You know, until my brother’s wife started all this garbage I had never attended, participated in, or personally...
You know, until my brother’s wife started all this garbage I had never attended, participated in, or personally heard of a fucked up funeral. Except for “Death at a Funeral”, which was damn funny (the original British one).
Since she started causing problems and because multiple clergy are involved, I have been told that people act like assholes in and around funerals all the time. I could have lived forever without having this experience or that knowledge.
Having made sure I spoke with the clergy my mother wanted involved (not their fault), she did not give specific details of what my SIL is and has been doing, just a generalized posting on the internet problem sort of thing. They now have specifics, because I’ll be damned if I let her leave wiggle room for that woman or create any impression that this is just some usual sort of dysfunction and I just don’t get along with her. I am not the problem. I am in fact one of the victims and I get to stand up for myself.
Not that there isn’t flexibility for specific circumstances or relationships, but I now know that in Jewish ritual there are formal definitions of who is and is not a mourner for formal purposes. In-laws are not on that list. Grossly inappropriate for those with a sincere spirituality under the circumstances, but my internal response upon learning this and having it unequivocally confirmed was an obnoxiously triumphant ‘suck it, wretch’. Hey, I can be smug and self righteous, it’s just not my usual and customary behavior.
It means that my mother doesn’t get to give her a pass on a bunch of stuff and she is officially rebuked by ritual and custom. Works for me. Oh, I can also summon up some vindictiveness if sufficiently provoked. Apparently.
Anyway, I still feel like I’m a terrible person who is causing problems and airing dirty laundry in public and disrespecting my mother’s wishes to not make a scene. After all, I was raised to be the perfect Victorian housewife. However, no matter how strong my over developed inner critic may be, my brain knows it is full of crap and needs to sit down and shut up.
Since she started causing problems and because multiple clergy are involved, I have been told that people act like assholes in and around funerals all the time. I could have lived forever without having this experience or that knowledge.
Having made sure I spoke with the clergy my mother wanted involved (not their fault), she did not give specific details of what my SIL is and has been doing, just a generalized posting on the internet problem sort of thing. They now have specifics, because I’ll be damned if I let her leave wiggle room for that woman or create any impression that this is just some usual sort of dysfunction and I just don’t get along with her. I am not the problem. I am in fact one of the victims and I get to stand up for myself.
Not that there isn’t flexibility for specific circumstances or relationships, but I now know that in Jewish ritual there are formal definitions of who is and is not a mourner for formal purposes. In-laws are not on that list. Grossly inappropriate for those with a sincere spirituality under the circumstances, but my internal response upon learning this and having it unequivocally confirmed was an obnoxiously triumphant ‘suck it, wretch’. Hey, I can be smug and self righteous, it’s just not my usual and customary behavior.
It means that my mother doesn’t get to give her a pass on a bunch of stuff and she is officially rebuked by ritual and custom. Works for me. Oh, I can also summon up some vindictiveness if sufficiently provoked. Apparently.
Anyway, I still feel like I’m a terrible person who is causing problems and airing dirty laundry in public and disrespecting my mother’s wishes to not make a scene. After all, I was raised to be the perfect Victorian housewife. However, no matter how strong my over developed inner critic may be, my brain knows it is full of crap and needs to sit down and shut up.
Better to get it all cleared up now than during the event itself. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself now because it would have only gotten worse if you hadn't. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It is hard.
ReplyDeleteSending you love & strength.
ReplyDeleteThe worst experiences I've had with people in general have been over someone else's death. Having had the misfortune of dealing with loss a few times now, I can almost always tell where the problems are going to come from (and I worry about some of the ones we will someday face in the future). Whoever it is, or however significant they were, or not, it is never pretty. It is also not something anyone else is going to forget. Just know that, if you can't find anyone around to share the weight, we are still here.
ReplyDeleteWhat everyone else said.
ReplyDelete💙💜
Yeah, funerals can be worse than weddings for stupid drama. There's contention right now over Bob's funeral too - post forthcoming.
ReplyDeleteIn circumstances in which I feel disposed to goodwill, I remind myself that grief is stressful, and planning events is stressful, and upending normal routine is stressful, and people are their most assholish in times of extreme stress.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm not so disposed, I just give everyone the (probably virtual) finger, because damn, y'all, way to make a bad situation worse. Assholes.
I don't expect the clergy to make much impression on you SIL honestly, based on my decades of experience with humans. One can always hope, but one must always plan. Just make sure they don't suspect you of having set up the clergy against her. Funerals are not the best time for people's sanity, the less so for those who have less to start with.
ReplyDeleteThe good part about this is this actually is built into at least the local variant of Jewish funeral ritual. It would be a formal request to suspend the rules to include SIL in certain things.
ReplyDeleteOf course, the part where my sister and I both insisted that someone beat her with a verbal brickbat about NO PHONES, PHOTOS, RECORDINGS, WRITINGS, POSTINGS, VINES, INSTAGRAMS, ETC. AT ANY PART OF THE FUNERAL DAY is not written into anything. Clergy have indicated they will try to find a graceful way to do this so it doesn't come across as AND WE SPECIFICALLY MEAN YOU BECAUSE YOU"RE THE ONLY CONCEIVABLE REASON WE'D HAVE TO YELL IN ALL CAPS AT A GROWN ADULT.
You are not a terrible person.
ReplyDeleteNot even close. That's so important I will repeat it.
You are not a terrible person.
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteF-L Silver hug funerals are breeding grounds for drama. I've got plenty of stories about the horror my father's brother put us through at my brother's shiva (let me know if you want a horrified laugh).
ReplyDeleteIf you have questions about the Shiva house/jewish funerals, I'm happy to answer the question as much as I can for Conservative traditions.
In specific to what you said above, my parents had my spouse come on the bima when my brother and I spoke, because they wanted him to. It's not normal. We also didn't cover mirrors or pictures - that again was a definite oddity. Completely hold everyone to no cameras, phones, recording, etc. It's pretty inappropriate for many congregations. Also - flowers, etc are not appropriate either. If she's trying to sop up on gifts, point out that Judaism is about donation money to causes at the time of death, not killing flowers or getting items.