- mild lock -

- mild lock -

It would seem checking my email after several days was not a good idea.

Re: immediately prior posting, I take it back. I may have to kill my sister, as well. What the fuck is it with this performative grief? Like, fine. Have a faith or a belief system or whatever. What happened to that being personal and private? Why can't people just say hey, somebody's ill, we're hoping for the best, support appreciated, or something, and not weep, wail, and gnash teeth on facebook? Oh, woe is me! Grief betide us! For lo, unto us are lamentations!

And if someone who believes in something sincerely, for example, offers prayers, ok. You mean it genuinely as a way to offer support. Not my thing, but I can respect people who are trying to be respectful.

But if one more member of my immediate family makes one more post saying the end is near, oh how we are suffering (WE?!?), PRAY FOR US, we need your prayers, I swear to Eru I am really gonna lose it on somebody if this keeps up.

First of all, yes, he's very sick.
Second of all, he's not dead yet
Third, and most important, ᴛʜɪs ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ

I don't know how to explain, but there is a difference between people sincerely saying something really terrible is happening and I need help to deal, and people putting on a show for the neighbors so they all know just how very sad they are. Look at me! I'm sad, I'm needy! I can give Oscar winning public performances of grief! Look at my grief, look at how grieved I am!

I take it back. As I am typing at you all, I can articulate some of why I know this is not about my dad. Guess what? My dad is not into performative religion. In fact, he's got some specific, hard, personal facts as to precisely why religion can stuff itself in a sack somewhere. So if they gave a hoot about him, they would not be posting like something out of the white, evangelical, tv revival how to perform grief in public handbook. It's particularly offensive since NONE of these people has ever been part of anything other than standard, mainstream religions. They are not even evangelical!!! It's offensive and disgusting to me. And the enabling from everyone pisses me off.

And there's stupid comments in response, like one person who "has been on this journey with your parents" and will continue to travel with them. Fuck you no you haven't. I know, because I'm here. Apparently invisible, but I'm not blind. No, you are enabling my mother, and apparently my sister, and their performance, which you people wouldn't know but supporting my mom is doing very little for my father. I know you wouldn't know any better, but you haven't seen my father or been anywhere near him in I don't even know how long. You're supporting my mother and her garbage.

And it's not a fucking journey. What is wrong with people???? Yeah, I booked a trip to hotel hell for vacation. My gods, the actual chaplain who stopped by my dad's hospital room was less stupid than that. (They just automatically send people around.)

Meanwhile, what is actually going on are things like my having to spend 30 minutes yesterday evening trying to stay calm while desperately trying to explain to my mother that you cannot tell people it's ok to do CPR, but not to use a defibrillator. Just don't do anything, then. You can still do ACLS without the intubation part, but you ain't bringing someone back in that situation without using a defibrillator.

I finally had to come up with the simplest, clearest thing I could think of, so I told her to just tell them they could do everything except intubate and they could call a code at 4 minutes, or so. And then I had to repeat that 5 times, and I still wasn't entirely certain she wasn't going to go off on some insane tangent. I know it was 5 times because my sister teased me about my obsessive repetition. No - it was necessary repetition because the woman was going to get orders in my father's chart that were essentially a straight DNR. Not what he asked for. He doesn't want to be intubated and hooked up to machines. That gives you a lot of room to work with, if there's any chance of bringing someone back.

Why wasn't I saying this directly to the hospital staff? Because although my mother and I are both listed on the power of attorney and health care proxy, she had repeatedly made a big point of telling me, "I'm the primary!", as in, I'm first, I get to tell them what happens to him. Like it's so fucking important to her to be the boss that even if she doesn't understand things, and cannot process explanations, the most important thing is she's in charge. Not whether or not it's the best care for my dad and his clearly articulated wishes.

And my sister gives me crap because ha ha funny I have to hope I can rote drill my mother into the information that, eru forbid it has to be acted upon, will both follow my dad's wishes and be appropriate and effective medical care.

But I have to stay calm, and not lose it, and not yell at people, and not vomit, and manage everyone else's dysfunction while trying to keep them from accidentally contributing to my father's demise. And somehow still do something to try to maximize his medical care so he is given the best chance of not demizing (it's a word, now, don't mess with me). And I have to be cogent so I can't take drugs. All while never getting any uninterrupted sleep for weeks because even when someone else is supposed to be the one staying up I get woken up with questions about meds, and pain, and mental status, etc.

I may be a little on edge. But they are still hateful for using this as a set piece for themselves.