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So, one of the problems I am having is that when I am overwhelmed and or triggered (actually, I think that goes the other way round) aaanyway - I can't concentrate/focus/function - I just freeze into immobility and have to fight not to curl up into a ball on my extremely uncomfortable sleeping place and just hide in my room.
I do a lot of the room thing because otherwise people. Well, specifically the people in the house. Especially the one people. Even if that people isn't there it leaves its mark.
I have to start functioning. I have to get my act together and get the heck out of here. It's starting to cause problems.
Everything is brain sludge when I feel like this. I sort of know some of this is old coping mechanisms for things I didn't understand and just did as a child, so patterns. But that's not enough to just magically snap me out of it. I mean, obviously I'm trying to fight it, but ...
Everything is a conflict waiting to happen. Everything is a drama. Everything is eating what little bits of energy I can scrape up. I have momentary spurts of function and then splat.
It can take me hours to just get up and leave the house to do something. And then if I haven't carefully written out what I'm going to do, it may not happen. Because brain sludge.
Also the other crap I keep talking about.
It's one thing for me to occasionally hate everything. It's just that that usually mostly ends up being me hating me.
So much brain sludge.
So, one of the problems I am having is that when I am overwhelmed and or triggered (actually, I think that goes the other way round) aaanyway - I can't concentrate/focus/function - I just freeze into immobility and have to fight not to curl up into a ball on my extremely uncomfortable sleeping place and just hide in my room.
I do a lot of the room thing because otherwise people. Well, specifically the people in the house. Especially the one people. Even if that people isn't there it leaves its mark.
I have to start functioning. I have to get my act together and get the heck out of here. It's starting to cause problems.
Everything is brain sludge when I feel like this. I sort of know some of this is old coping mechanisms for things I didn't understand and just did as a child, so patterns. But that's not enough to just magically snap me out of it. I mean, obviously I'm trying to fight it, but ...
Everything is a conflict waiting to happen. Everything is a drama. Everything is eating what little bits of energy I can scrape up. I have momentary spurts of function and then splat.
It can take me hours to just get up and leave the house to do something. And then if I haven't carefully written out what I'm going to do, it may not happen. Because brain sludge.
Also the other crap I keep talking about.
It's one thing for me to occasionally hate everything. It's just that that usually mostly ends up being me hating me.
So much brain sludge.
You really do need an elsewhere to be. It's not like removing yourself from that situation would provide an instantaneous ALL BETTER NOW patch, but at least you might stop having your ladder knocked down faster than you can build it (quite so often, anyway; I at least am pretty good at knocking down my own ladder occasionally).
ReplyDeleteI know the "obvious" path is to get better enough to get out, but you really might end up needing to get out in order to get better.