So, um, it's actually hard to find time and space to get my crap together.
So, um, it's actually hard to find time and space to get my crap together. I want/need to work through a couple things, but don't want to just babble pointlessly. For one, my job/career situation is fucked, which is not crudity, it's fact. The other is that my family situation is likewise.
I hate my mother, and that is going to take some processing (this group would not, but in case a demon is leering over your shoulder, anyone who says you don't really hate her know that I will reach through this screen and I swear to god you will wish you hadn't been born).
I can't even just talk to/stay at my sister's, because it's apparently just too much to have to deal with talking to me about when things get difficult here because it's hard for her. Right, poor baby, it's so hard she doesn't even want to come here anymore. Try being involved in and dealing with the reality every day. Oh, right, you don't want to be here, because it's hard. Which is why you don't come here, and don't call, and don't answer calls.
Well, it's good you haven't been involved in an abusive relationship lately, because it was hard for me to get woken up by hysterical phone calls in fear of your life in the middle of the night (P.S. while I'm on call in a different state thank you). And it's hard for me to take you and my niece in and not tell our parents until you were ready. And I don't have money right now, so it's hard for me to pay for you to get your car fixed so you can keep your job.
Yeah, life is hard all over and I'm so sorry you're too fragile to have to listen to a phone call every couple of months, or have anyone invade your space - which means your entire house. It's so inconvenient and stressful to have family who've bailed your ass out countless times and might themselves need a little help now actually ask for that help. Pardon me. After all, as you've said, you took care of everything yourself. It was your hard work and yours alone that got you where you are today. Nobody helped you.
Fuck.
How the hell was I ever supposed to get anything right growing up in this family?
I hate my mother, and that is going to take some processing (this group would not, but in case a demon is leering over your shoulder, anyone who says you don't really hate her know that I will reach through this screen and I swear to god you will wish you hadn't been born).
I can't even just talk to/stay at my sister's, because it's apparently just too much to have to deal with talking to me about when things get difficult here because it's hard for her. Right, poor baby, it's so hard she doesn't even want to come here anymore. Try being involved in and dealing with the reality every day. Oh, right, you don't want to be here, because it's hard. Which is why you don't come here, and don't call, and don't answer calls.
Well, it's good you haven't been involved in an abusive relationship lately, because it was hard for me to get woken up by hysterical phone calls in fear of your life in the middle of the night (P.S. while I'm on call in a different state thank you). And it's hard for me to take you and my niece in and not tell our parents until you were ready. And I don't have money right now, so it's hard for me to pay for you to get your car fixed so you can keep your job.
Yeah, life is hard all over and I'm so sorry you're too fragile to have to listen to a phone call every couple of months, or have anyone invade your space - which means your entire house. It's so inconvenient and stressful to have family who've bailed your ass out countless times and might themselves need a little help now actually ask for that help. Pardon me. After all, as you've said, you took care of everything yourself. It was your hard work and yours alone that got you where you are today. Nobody helped you.
Fuck.
How the hell was I ever supposed to get anything right growing up in this family?
Oh, and this is severely locked, obviously.
ReplyDeleteMuch of this is so familiar for me. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but in situations like this, it only becomes tolerable. You get better at dealing with it eventually. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteObviously, one of the things I'm processing is a lot of anger, here. Go on, look shocked.
ReplyDeleteFirst, all the ((hugs)).
ReplyDeleteSecond, I will reiterate my offer of a space to stay with minimal expenses. You don't even have to talk to me after you arrive. There may be some people interaction needed as I'm going to have some work done on the house over the next month or so.
One of my greatest mistakes was to miss the lesson on keeping "you owe me" balance sheets (also vetting people for how much are you worth to me). See, I keep operating under the if you can, why wouldn't you help? principle. Which empirical observation suggests just makes me a doormat/sucker/easy mark/loser.
ReplyDeleteThose balance sheets really shouldn't exist at all much less between family members. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteETA: I mean I know they do, but I do try and operate as you do as well.
Pardon the phrasing, but, oh, honey, in unguarded moments it has been let slip that they have dollar signs attached to them. Wt actual f.
ReplyDelete[here, listening]
ReplyDeleteF-L Silver re your last comment: waitwhat
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah. Mom and sis have Lists, and there are dollar signs attached. It's pretty awesome. It's even more awesome considering that at various times all three of us kids have, in fact, borrowed money from our parents, and of the three, I'm the only one who ever paid my parents back, in full. Not that that isn't shot to pieces, now, because the cost of my being here is considered an incurred debt.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, it is interesting to gain insights into people's various accounting practices for the intangibles. Also, how what belongs to whom, and who owes what to whom and what that is worth is determined. It's special.
D-:
ReplyDeleteJesus. My enormous sympathies. Coming from someone that has largely disowned my family, I will never, would never give you an iota of shit about any feelings or decisions you make wrt that. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I hope that things get better in whatever way they can.
ReplyDelete