Well, I saw Battle of the Five Armies; because I had to.

Well, I saw Battle of the Five Armies; because I had to. It's a thing. I absolutely loved real mythology and old linguistics and Tolkien as a kid. I felt like I had to, even if it was only in memory of. 

If there was no such thing as The Hobbit, it could have been a sort of very expensive fantasy adventure B-movie. Mostly, it just kind of seemed like teen fanfic. Of course, that could have been because as we were watching it we kept commenting on which MMORPG, video game, comic, other fantasy/SF movie, etc. it was momentarily channelling. Not to mention the LOTR The Movie callbacks.

Are spoilers possible?

Meh.

I suppose so.

Especially since 

reading the book

will not help you.

I am seriously

disappointed in you

Guillermo del Toro.

Is that enough space?

Hope so.

Billy Connolly loves being a Highland Scot character. He was one of the few moments I was genuinely amused, in addition to being one of the non-book things that didn't seem like a bad idea. I mean, Dain is obviously in the book, just not the way the movie sets it up. But Billy Connolly was cool. And I appreciate that they made Dain's hammer red, since iirc his axe at the Battle of Azanulbizar was red (might have been intended as hyperbole about all the blood, but whatever). Really, they just tried too hard. 

I mean, yeah, there's like one throwaway comment about bats flying over the orc army in the book, but it's pretty likely Tolkien thought real world bats were sufficiently disturbing to a lot of people. I'm quite sure he wasn't imagining what WETA cooked up.  

In general, they were trying too hard to retcon all the stuff Christopher Tolkien has published since his father's death into these movies. it doesn't work. That, and the mythologies Tolkien was inspired or influenced by were pretty obvious seeming guides to the fact that the thing tying The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings together was, wait for it, the Ring.

Which is more than sufficient, thanks. It's not oh, well, The Hobbit was "just" a kids book, so let's completely treat it as meaningless without all the other writings. It's not that the audiences are too stupid to figure out that Bilbo and Gandalf and the Ring are the same characters from one story to the next.

I'm ok with trying to give some characters a fuller story, but let's not focus so much on that that the main story disappears. And if you are going to add "strong female characters", could you just do that, please, and cut the screaming helpless nonsense? Excuse me, but Bard's daughters did not need to be standing around cowering and screaming so their father and brother could rescue them, thanks. Item one of padding to cut from script.

Along those lines, here's a thought, if the women of Lake Town are strong and tough, don't have them run, cower, and scream for hours until the last pivotal moment when all of a sudden, hey, we're tough, let's be completely different and go fight orcs, which you never, in fact, see them do. I guess it's the thought that counts.

Then we have the whole Appendix of Dol Guldur/Necromancer/Council of the Wise business. While there were a few moments that they should keep, and I would have loved to see this bit done well, I'm just gonna focus on how Galadriel is treated, here. Firstly, you wanna go for supplemental material? Ok. She's Feanor's equal. She's a protege of Melian, who's a sufficiently powerful Maia that she can protect Doriath against Melkor/Morgoth. She is documented in The Silmarillion and other supplemental materials to be able to kick ass all on her own merits. So why would she show up to a fight in her underwear? I mean, she had more clothes on when she first greeted the Fellowship in Lothlorien. AND why would Elrond show up in full armor and she's in her diaphanous, lacy best peignoir? 

THEN, she has to get all weepy and motherly, and Oh dear Gods and Valar, we looked at each other and said they can't POSSIBLY be trying to imply something between Galadriel and Gandalf?! o.O!? I mean, if that was supposed to be how they suggested that she thought he'd be a better leader of the Council than Saruman, uh, they kinda missed the mark. Also, the middle of a major battle (small, but key) is hardly the time to be going, I told you to pick Gandalf! Also also, Saruman hadn't gone completely wonky yet, at least not publicly, so no reason, again, for any meaning-laden glances between G&G. Especially not with one lying in the other's arms all Pietà-like as they both sprawl, exhausted, on the ground.

Leading to my final diatribe about Galadriel's treatment. WTF people, she also has a Ring of Power. With the One Ring still lost (to Sauron), the Wise who had them could use them. Please spare me the, oh poor Galadriel is too weak and faint. But, wait! SHE's UP! And now SHE ALONE will Battle and Defeat Sauron. Before gracefully fainting with exhaustion once more. I can't remember if Cate Blanchett indeed  put the back of her hand on her forehead, but if she didn't, she might as well have done. (Aside: this also applies to the stupidity of how they handled the Gandalf bit of the whole sequence, but nevermind.)

Tauriel almost manages to be the token strong female character. But, of course, she's really just there to have some sort of weird moralizing about elf/dwarf fanfic love. At least she shows up with clothes and weapons and kicks ass repeatedly. Until she is regularly rescued by male characters. Perhaps you do not understand what a strong female character is, Phillipa Peter Fran del Toro. She gets to kick ass on her own, got it? She might even rescue one of the boys, now and again. Shocking.

One last thing. You know how Jar-Jar was possibly the worst single thing about the non-existent Star Wars movies? There is some character that they added into this that has no redeeming value. I get that he's supposed to be some sort of Wormtongue. Except Wormtongue had a fully fleshed out story. This person was that character that just gets added because somebody thought it would be comic or move along some extraneous plot that didn't need to be there. He is that bad and that pointless. He just doesn't have a horribly racist profile overlying it. Just freaking cut this guy.

Ok. I'm done for now. I feel a little better. Thanks for listening. Imagine if I hadn't gone in expecting it to be bad.