- locked -

- locked -
One of the things on the top 10 list of hardest things is I have become deeply angry. Because my mom's inability to deal with her issues means she is actively contributing to shortening my dad's life. She is contributing to killing him. You can do that, you know, destroy someone's interest in or will to live.

(I suppose this is the spot for a rant warning.)
RANT WARNING

She is verbally and mentally abusive, and creates such an unpleasant, unstable, threatening, unpredictably explosive, and confrontational environment that my dad doesn't even want to be in the same room with her. And neither does anyone else.

Of course, this is also conflicting for him because even if you start to hate someone you've been married to for over 50 years, you can still love them. It takes longer for that to wear off.

She has very successfully illustrated exactly what happens when you deal with a fear of being alone by doing exactly what will drive people away. Plus, she would do this even if I wasn't here; she just wouldn't have the additional excuse of me being in my situation and being here. She also couldn't use me against my dad.

Like, are you seriously jealous of your kid having a good relationship with your spouse? What the hell? That's part of the reason he's still alive, fyi, and you really should think very hard about why it is that you cannot be happy about and celebrate the time you have with him.

Seriously. She is constantly making little remarks about well, at least he has me to talk to, and it's so nice you two can spend time together (this is about the fact that we go to the farmers markets together on Saturday mornings for an hour or two - which gives him the opportunity to walk, and be outside, and pet doggies, and socialize with someone outside the damn house. Sometimes we even buy food!) Jesus wept, lady.

Like, I thought my dad was kidding when he said she was paranoid and thought we were plotting together back near the beginning of things. I was SO wrong. Should I be sorry that there were nursing things that you were uncomfortable with, that I did for him when he was in hospice level care? Maybe you feel guilty about that, or like you wanted to feel you were doing more, but none of what you are or were doing is the way to go about it.

My dad and I joked about it for a while by saying, "Remember. I'm wrong, and it's your fault." I mean, it's sick, but it was funny for a while. It really isn't, anymore, even though sometimes we still say it to each other just because it's become the closest thing to a positive coping mechanism we can manage. And it helps us remember we're not nuts. Doesn't really make us feel better, though.

And she loooves to talk about her "role" as "caregiver". She "understands" why he is the way he is because "people who are ill" are "like that". Something else she's a warning example of: people who collect information and completely don't get it. He is not an Alzheimer's patient, lady, and you are not his "caregiver". Get over yourself. (P.S. The caregiving class she finally took? Which was supposed to help her deal with her shit? Yeah, she really took it because she got involved with taking care of her brother, not to help my dad, and she completely twisted every single thing to suit her inner psychologue. I'm sure that sounds judgmental. Because it totally is. I'm feeling very judgey.)

Bull chips you are trying to take care of him. Nothing he does is right, he's too stupid anymore, he does things wrong, or incompetently, you're the only one who has a handle on anything. She hounds him constantly - don't walk this way, don't stand this way, don't bend this way. He's so totally right. She's trying to turn him into a drooling invalid she can keep in a box. And anything you say is a criticism or an attack on her. Eru forbid you actually criticize her.

It's like she's looking for ways to mess with him. And she's a blessed martyr. I can't even with this. On one level, it's none of my business. On another level, I still feel like it sucks.