I will make a formal, public post later, I need time.

I will make a formal, public post later, I need time. However, I am livid as is my sister, niece, and even my mom (who gets a few brownie points for not thinking this was ok). So I am venting to you guys. Please use some discretion.

We have not made a formal public statement. We will when we are ready. I do not know anyone who needs a formal education in etiquette to know that it is up to the primary relationship to make or not public statements about a partner illness or death. And that you take your lead and use discretion beyond that.

So when my SIL decided to make a public post, with photographs, co-opting her husband’s and our and my mother’s loss/grief on fucking Facebook, which we just found out, she already earned herself the death sentence in one star system. She posted this within hours of my brother being told, afaik without telling him what she did. And it’s a real doozy of a bullshit public performance of oo, pay attention to me, look at me! post, too.

But she had to go one better. Some of you know that my family is a mixed bag of backgrounds and religions, as well as those of us with a jaundiced eye. My mother is sort of culturally Jewish; my sister is Jewish by choice and is knowledgeable and thoughtful about it. My SIL is Presbyterian - her mother is a minister. But what my SIL really is is an ignorant ass, and in light of what most of you have heard at least part of you will understand the significance when I tell you that she makes my mother look considered and insightful.

SIL sent a text to my mother and sister that, paraphrased, said ‘I went to a Jewish funeral once and the family had a fight.’ It was longer and far worse but I’m not retyping it. She now has the death sentence on two star systems. More importantly, my sister and I have refused to have anything to do with her at the funeral. Which is a problem because of mom’s happy family fantasy and she’s so fucking worried about my poor brother’s fee fees.

Oh, and my SIL thought she was going to say something at the funeral. Death sentence three. Not that mom was ok with this but my brother is trying to deal with grief and an insane wife and was actually seriously telling my mother this. I put my foot down.

First of all, this is liturgically inappropriate. If you are having a certain kind of funeral and if the dead person or main mourners choose to invite you to do a reading or whatever, then you’re invited. You do NOT invite yourself.

Second of all, frankly, fuck her. She has barely spent any time with my dad or the rest of us and I won’t even start on where were she and my brother this whole time.

I have negotiated with my mother, and this may not hold up, that my brother and SIL will drive themselves to the funeral. My mother insists we all go to the cemetery together in fancy car but that’s going to be cute because a) my sister may refuse and tell my mother to stuff it, and b) I have to figure out a seating arrangement whereby SIL is somehow nowhere near anyone but my brother.

Also, my mom wants to do the house visiting thing so the day of the funeral there’s also some religious stuff with that and my SIL is banned from speaking. Because some of mom’s friends can’t come then she’s going to have a couple other brief visit times. I told her if she just can’t hold the line she can let the idiot speak then. Because my sister and I don’t have to be there.

Oh, and mom has to have a talk with my brother the day before the funeral when they’re in town that either SIL behaves, or she will be asked to leave. And if mom can’t then I hope they all enjoy having permanently caused my brother to no longer have a relationship with anyone other than my mother, and that won’t be so hot. Because my sister and I are done with this shit.

We’re saving the talk with my brother and SIL about racist tropes for another time. Isn’t it amazing how she was all worried about fighting at a funeral and the only reason anything negative actually happened is her?

P.S. I am told her mother told her that funerals are times of stress and it has nothing to do with being Jewish. Shame that didn’t stop her.