- mild lock -
- mild lock -
Oh, ok. I didn't want to anyway this morning, but now it's my fault that my mother has the EQ of an inanimate object that I am probably insulting by the comparison.
She really screwed up this morning. I mean, I didn't realize I had kind of reached my limit this much until she did it, but I told her I wasn't ok and I was angry, and frustrated and had had it.
P.S. Because per her that's not what she intended, whatever that means and which changes whenever she's confronted, you cannot tell her that what she says or how she presents it triggers a particular response in you because you can't have that reaction and you aren't allowed to feel that way because that's not what she wanted.
It's ok. You can reread that a few times if you're still trying to parse it.
Skipping ahead ...
Yeah, we're still playing 4 years ago. Per her that was never worked out. Right, because no matter how many times I directly said hey, I know you don't like this, let's work this out, it wasn't a good time for her, or something. However, she had LOADS of time for my criminal, abusive uncle.
Also? Dear Ask a Manager, how come it's really clear to everyone else that every time she says she wants to work something out what she means is that she wants to tell people what to do? It's not a negotiation, it's not a discussion, she is trying to pretend and co-opt everyone until they agree to doing everything she wants the way she wants it.
She said I was managing my dad's meds, in front of witnesses, since we're playing this game. Apparently and so not a surprise, she didn't mean that. And now she's trying to claim she never said it. Ha ha ha ha, don't fucking gaslight me. My memory is still way better than yours, lady, and of the two of us, I don't make shit up and do not habitually manipulate people. Don't even.
When I asked her ok, if we're on different pages, how does she see our roles, she said, "a partnership". When I asked her what she meant, she had a very hard time articulating that. She finally said she's the wife! Which, if translation is needed, means she is number one and the boss and in control of everything. Also, everyone and everything has to go through her and she gets to say what is what. Alternatively, everyone must pay her gatekeeper toll of attention and status stroking and only then, with her permission, interact with anyone else. Within her defined and permitted guidelines, of course. Mustn't go beyond the allowed remit.
I also react well when I ask what is someone's scientific basis for their action and their answer is because someone with initials after their name or with a title told me something in some totally different circumstance some unspecified time ago. Like, yeah, they should have had a scientific basis for whatever they told you, but even if we stipulate that it was a different time and circumstance and that's not what I asked you. Because someone told me is not a scientific basis. It may not even be rational, depending on context.
I know that she has stress and anxieties like all of us. However, I also know that my mother cares more about her status, attention, and control than she actually does about my dad. I can't keep doing this, though. I can't fight my dad and his illness and the chemo brain and so forth and fight my mother and her garbage and utter lack of insight.
I know I'm not nuts, I know I'm not wrong. I keep reality checking with you guys, my sister (who has serious damage of her own, but still), and a professional counselor (unlike my mother who knows everything and once took a caregiver class so she could take care of my uncle while my dad was ill and just out of hospice the first time). It has not made me better able to fix myself and get my shit together and get out of here in spite of everything, nor to somehow figure out what skill set would allow me to deal effectively with my mother (it is possible such a thing does not exist).
She doesn't want me here, she doesn't have the genitals to say it and that has been true since 2013. Granted, and she will deny this under torture, but she became extreme and worse and untenable because she got involved with my uncle. That turned everything up to 11. Rest assured, we are all wrong about that, as well.
Lastly, I don't trust her. She has no self insight and there have been many concrete examples of her wishing everything was over and done with and she could move on. While that is normal under many circumstances, both my sister and I witnessed behavior that leads us to think strongly that there is some pathologic, underlying subconscious stuff going on that leaks into her decision making and behavior towards my dad and there is a possibility that something could snap and she could intentionally or unintentionally do something that would hurt or kill him.
But I can't keep doing this and she will not listen and she will not change.
Oh, ok. I didn't want to anyway this morning, but now it's my fault that my mother has the EQ of an inanimate object that I am probably insulting by the comparison.
She really screwed up this morning. I mean, I didn't realize I had kind of reached my limit this much until she did it, but I told her I wasn't ok and I was angry, and frustrated and had had it.
P.S. Because per her that's not what she intended, whatever that means and which changes whenever she's confronted, you cannot tell her that what she says or how she presents it triggers a particular response in you because you can't have that reaction and you aren't allowed to feel that way because that's not what she wanted.
It's ok. You can reread that a few times if you're still trying to parse it.
Skipping ahead ...
Yeah, we're still playing 4 years ago. Per her that was never worked out. Right, because no matter how many times I directly said hey, I know you don't like this, let's work this out, it wasn't a good time for her, or something. However, she had LOADS of time for my criminal, abusive uncle.
Also? Dear Ask a Manager, how come it's really clear to everyone else that every time she says she wants to work something out what she means is that she wants to tell people what to do? It's not a negotiation, it's not a discussion, she is trying to pretend and co-opt everyone until they agree to doing everything she wants the way she wants it.
She said I was managing my dad's meds, in front of witnesses, since we're playing this game. Apparently and so not a surprise, she didn't mean that. And now she's trying to claim she never said it. Ha ha ha ha, don't fucking gaslight me. My memory is still way better than yours, lady, and of the two of us, I don't make shit up and do not habitually manipulate people. Don't even.
When I asked her ok, if we're on different pages, how does she see our roles, she said, "a partnership". When I asked her what she meant, she had a very hard time articulating that. She finally said she's the wife! Which, if translation is needed, means she is number one and the boss and in control of everything. Also, everyone and everything has to go through her and she gets to say what is what. Alternatively, everyone must pay her gatekeeper toll of attention and status stroking and only then, with her permission, interact with anyone else. Within her defined and permitted guidelines, of course. Mustn't go beyond the allowed remit.
I also react well when I ask what is someone's scientific basis for their action and their answer is because someone with initials after their name or with a title told me something in some totally different circumstance some unspecified time ago. Like, yeah, they should have had a scientific basis for whatever they told you, but even if we stipulate that it was a different time and circumstance and that's not what I asked you. Because someone told me is not a scientific basis. It may not even be rational, depending on context.
I know that she has stress and anxieties like all of us. However, I also know that my mother cares more about her status, attention, and control than she actually does about my dad. I can't keep doing this, though. I can't fight my dad and his illness and the chemo brain and so forth and fight my mother and her garbage and utter lack of insight.
I know I'm not nuts, I know I'm not wrong. I keep reality checking with you guys, my sister (who has serious damage of her own, but still), and a professional counselor (unlike my mother who knows everything and once took a caregiver class so she could take care of my uncle while my dad was ill and just out of hospice the first time). It has not made me better able to fix myself and get my shit together and get out of here in spite of everything, nor to somehow figure out what skill set would allow me to deal effectively with my mother (it is possible such a thing does not exist).
She doesn't want me here, she doesn't have the genitals to say it and that has been true since 2013. Granted, and she will deny this under torture, but she became extreme and worse and untenable because she got involved with my uncle. That turned everything up to 11. Rest assured, we are all wrong about that, as well.
Lastly, I don't trust her. She has no self insight and there have been many concrete examples of her wishing everything was over and done with and she could move on. While that is normal under many circumstances, both my sister and I witnessed behavior that leads us to think strongly that there is some pathologic, underlying subconscious stuff going on that leaks into her decision making and behavior towards my dad and there is a possibility that something could snap and she could intentionally or unintentionally do something that would hurt or kill him.
But I can't keep doing this and she will not listen and she will not change.
No one can keep doing that. I'm so sorry; I've got no insight here :(. Listening.
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