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I don't know how to explain to people that when they speak to you they are inherently demanding that you speak back. They are projecting their energy at you and demanding some of your energy from you. Just because you see me, doesn't mean I am available for being spoken to.
AUGH
I don't have extra energy to spend on you. I barely have enough to spend on me much of the time. I'm TIRED. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I just want to say fuck off every single time someone looks at me, or speaks to me, or hovers in a doorway staring at me. No, for real. That last thing is a thing that happens ALL THE TIME. Gee, I wonder why I hide in my room.
I have no idea what to do, anymore. I have tried explaining to people that the rarity of my physical presence is a useful clue. I have tried asking that people not immediately speak to me on sight, or just because I walked in or out of the house, or at least not first thing in the morning because that is when my energy is least available for other people to leech.
None of it works. It's to the point where if people start talking to me I either completely ignore them, ignore them and keep walking if I'm already moving, or glare at them, with or without the moving. I don't like being mean to people, and I feel mean, or at least rude, but it's like it's the only option left I can think of. And it's still pushing everything off onto me and making me responsible for it and demanding my energy to deal with it.
I am tired of constantly having to actually state out loud I do not have the energy to interact with you. Your need for my energy does not mean I don't get to need my energy more than you do. In fact, my energy is not yours to take. It might be mine to give, if I have it and if I choose to. I feel like I am having to ask permission to be left alone and I resent the fact that I have to keep saying please don't bother me. Like the default is bothering me and that's the acceptable norm, but my not wanting to be bothered is abnormal and I should apologize, or something.
I'm a fucking introvert. I have ALWAYS been a fucking introvert.
Just.
Fuck off.
I seriously have no idea how to deal with this, anymore. Brilliant suggestions welcome.
I don't know how to explain to people that when they speak to you they are inherently demanding that you speak back. They are projecting their energy at you and demanding some of your energy from you. Just because you see me, doesn't mean I am available for being spoken to.
AUGH
I don't have extra energy to spend on you. I barely have enough to spend on me much of the time. I'm TIRED. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I just want to say fuck off every single time someone looks at me, or speaks to me, or hovers in a doorway staring at me. No, for real. That last thing is a thing that happens ALL THE TIME. Gee, I wonder why I hide in my room.
I have no idea what to do, anymore. I have tried explaining to people that the rarity of my physical presence is a useful clue. I have tried asking that people not immediately speak to me on sight, or just because I walked in or out of the house, or at least not first thing in the morning because that is when my energy is least available for other people to leech.
None of it works. It's to the point where if people start talking to me I either completely ignore them, ignore them and keep walking if I'm already moving, or glare at them, with or without the moving. I don't like being mean to people, and I feel mean, or at least rude, but it's like it's the only option left I can think of. And it's still pushing everything off onto me and making me responsible for it and demanding my energy to deal with it.
I am tired of constantly having to actually state out loud I do not have the energy to interact with you. Your need for my energy does not mean I don't get to need my energy more than you do. In fact, my energy is not yours to take. It might be mine to give, if I have it and if I choose to. I feel like I am having to ask permission to be left alone and I resent the fact that I have to keep saying please don't bother me. Like the default is bothering me and that's the acceptable norm, but my not wanting to be bothered is abnormal and I should apologize, or something.
I'm a fucking introvert. I have ALWAYS been a fucking introvert.
Just.
Fuck off.
I seriously have no idea how to deal with this, anymore. Brilliant suggestions welcome.
Sadly lacking in brilliant suggestions, alas. As I recall I mostly dealt with this by a) staying in my room a lot, b) going out a fair bit to do absolutely nothing significant, like eat drivethru tacos in my car in a park while reading a book, and c) developing a series of reflexive responses to people that required minimal energy expenditure, and hopefully at least seemed like I was participating in social ritual on my way from a to b.
ReplyDeleteUltimately I solved the problem by marrying someone even more introverted than me and organizing my life so I almost never have to leave the house, but those aren't really generalizable.
Care to elaborate on what c) consisted of? I mean, it's so hard for me just to get out of bed or leave my room sometimes. If I had a preplanned low energy response it might help.
ReplyDeleteI built a repertoire over time, basically, based on retroactive contemplation of what I might have said if I'd had more fucks to give after some interaction. It depends a lot on what people are saying. If it's just pleasantries and social noise, a set of "hey" type responses will probably suffice. If they're actually asking for input on something you may have to draft up some deflections.
ReplyDeleteOk. I will work on the "hey". And then go right back to ignoring people when they keep talking because I responded so obviously that was a signal to keep talking to me. ~>:(
ReplyDelete...yeah, that can be a thing.
ReplyDelete