- much locked -
- much locked -
This weekend is going to suck. It already sucks. First of all, as you know the relationship of just about everybody with my mother is at shit level. We are so burned out on compassion and every other decent emotion we just ain't got it anymore.
Every effort she makes to not be awful is regularly undermined by her turning around and being awful. So I at least try to be enough in the moment to accept a not horrible thing for not being horrible, even though I know that something horrible will happen any moment.
I do not want to harsh on anyone who does not have an exploded relationship with their mother, but I want to punch every single Mother's Day ad, promotion, commercialized guilt trip, etc.
It's, like, way past time for the divorce but it can't happen yet for reasons.
Meanwhile, there is accumulating shit related to my brother. And yay therapy for helping me to start to understand just how deep and long standing those problems are, but that does not help at all with the fact that I am going to have to deal with him being here in 3 or 3.5 weeks (it's them, good luck with ever getting anything planned or executed as planned).
It's really awesome to realize that a major reason my whole family didn't implode when I was younger is because they could rely on little old me not to be an asshole. Unfortunately, that set me up for a lifetime of failure to reach potential or ever actually figure out who I was and be me, not somebody else's version of what they needed me to be. Yes, this directly relates to my brother.
Even more yes, it helps tremendously that this country is going to hell.
So while I hope all of you have a good weekend, mine has already made it clear that my expectations should be set at suck, suckier, suckiest.
This weekend is going to suck. It already sucks. First of all, as you know the relationship of just about everybody with my mother is at shit level. We are so burned out on compassion and every other decent emotion we just ain't got it anymore.
Every effort she makes to not be awful is regularly undermined by her turning around and being awful. So I at least try to be enough in the moment to accept a not horrible thing for not being horrible, even though I know that something horrible will happen any moment.
I do not want to harsh on anyone who does not have an exploded relationship with their mother, but I want to punch every single Mother's Day ad, promotion, commercialized guilt trip, etc.
It's, like, way past time for the divorce but it can't happen yet for reasons.
Meanwhile, there is accumulating shit related to my brother. And yay therapy for helping me to start to understand just how deep and long standing those problems are, but that does not help at all with the fact that I am going to have to deal with him being here in 3 or 3.5 weeks (it's them, good luck with ever getting anything planned or executed as planned).
It's really awesome to realize that a major reason my whole family didn't implode when I was younger is because they could rely on little old me not to be an asshole. Unfortunately, that set me up for a lifetime of failure to reach potential or ever actually figure out who I was and be me, not somebody else's version of what they needed me to be. Yes, this directly relates to my brother.
Even more yes, it helps tremendously that this country is going to hell.
So while I hope all of you have a good weekend, mine has already made it clear that my expectations should be set at suck, suckier, suckiest.
listening and remember, you have a place to escape TO here.
ReplyDeleteAnd here, although admittedly Stina is closer.
ReplyDeleteIf you really want to burn your bridges and start anew, we have a guest room, too.
ReplyDeleteHave to start learning Swedish :)
ReplyDelete...and the system is famously slow at recognising "third country" (not EU/EES) credentials. But you'd probably have more luck than my Iraqi colleagues.
ReplyDelete