- Much locked -

- Much locked -

I am not handling things so well at the moment. It's very hard not to fall back into a spiral of hating myself, which is a habit from years of crap.

It's hard to give a frak and get out of bed because the world sucks and this isn't some cute WWII movie where it all works out in the end and everybody's a hero.

It's hard to live in this environment and still want to fight to fix my life.

It's hard to have to deal with hating my mother.

It's hard to give a damn about much of anything, including myself.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm angry that I didn't recognize that I grew up in an abusive environment and fight back sooner. I'm angry that nobody else did, either. I'm angry that it left me damaged in ways that led to poor decisions on my part and that all the people who were supposed to be so knowledgeable handed out ignorant or stupid or useless advice, but I was so well raised that you just don't question authority.

I hate being depressed and unable to magically motivate myself to go out and tell everyone why I'm exactly what they are looking for!

I am tired of volunteering for things and being rejected even for that!

I am tired of basically having been told I have to lie, and therefore feel that I have to lie, about who and what I am to be acceptable.

I will still never understand why I have repeatedly had the experience of being told that my genuine interest and enthusiasm is "fake", and "too much", and "inappropriate". Meanwhile, I keep working for people and in environments that perpetuate the patterns of abuse.

I hate that it is still very hard for me not to break down when attacked verbally because deep inside is a little girl who learned a long time ago that even if you didn't know why, you were wrong, and you were bad, and even if you hadn't done anything, you were going to get in trouble anyway because you were responsible for other people and somebody might figure it out and apologize later, like that makes any difference.

Gee, how could I possibly have kept ending up in messed up situations trying to be what everyone else needed and wanted and living out their lives because they wanted to fulfill their if onlys through me. I'm pissed off about not realizing that sooner, too.

I started rationalizing stuff to myself when I was a kid, just to survive. I got so good at it I freaking believed me. I stopped listening to my own inner voice and instincts.

Every time I tried to make a change, I screwed up.

I want to be there to help my friends, and I can't even help myself.

I hate that I believed the lies, and fantasies, and myths I was told growing up.

I hate myself a lot, right now. And that's pissing me off, too.

I need someone else's energy sometimes, just a little, just some positive energy, but there isn't any here and I'm tired of that, too. I was always one of the ready sources for everyone else to suck energy off of, where the hell is my energy to suck off of when I need it?

I wait until no one is home to yell at people, sometimes.

I feel trapped, and isolated, and alone, and I hate everything, right now.