- locked -

- locked -
Assume a lot of capital letters that are in a very large font size and probably bolded, underlined, italicized, and otherwise volumed up to 11, all standing for obscenities.

Can I put in a formal transfer to another family? One with no drama queens and less exaggeration? Also no history of abuse, poverty, neglect, chronic illness (not referring to Dad's cancer), disability, TBI, co-dependency, personality disorders, mental illness, developmental illness, chauvinism, misogyny. It's possible I left something out, but you can leave suggestions in the comments.

Ion, the sanctimonious hypocrites of the world will find me less and less acceptable, but I SO understand the people whose relationships break over a seriously ill family member and how that is dealt with. I understand the people who have to leave a situation with an unfixable child, or spouse, or parent.

Some of those things would not need to happen in a society that was about the coping and accepting, not the judging and controlling, but some situations are toxic and it's more a question of how many people are you going to let it take down?

Seemingly unrelated while in fact directly related:

When I was 8, I told my mother that it was now my twin younger siblings' turn to be responsible for setting the table for dinner. I'd been doing it since I was 3, and they were now 3, and besides, there were two of them. I was informed that they were not as capable as I had been at 3 and would therefore not be taking over any time soon.

I was very angry because I wanted to move on to other, better things. I couldn't even get an agreement to have them do it some of the time. I could do additional things while still doing the table setting, though. Wouldn't want to hold me back.

In addition to being a disturbing parable of many work experiences later on, I have spent my entire life post sibling acquisition being "responsible" because other people couldn't. Aside from that subtly undermining other people getting their own act together, which is garbage, it was straight-up, out in the open, "you are responsible for them".

I am 14, I want to go do ... no, you have to babysit them. Why don't you get a babysitter? Because you are "responsible".

I was responsible for my sister's nightmares. No, really. You have no idea how long I had to argue with my insane parents and defend myself before they believed me that I hadn't done anything to her. You have no idea the things I contemplated doing to her since I was getting in trouble for them anyway even though I NEVER DID ANYTHING.

My brother had all sorts of issues, especially medical ones and stuff associated with that. One of his ways of trying to deal with it was to try to beat me up, which was a joke until he was in college. All I ever did was quite literally hold him at arms length. He had neither the reach nor the strength to get at me. Either that, or if he'd snuck up on me enough to end up on the ground, I'd pin him, either holding him or sitting on him, or both.

All I was doing was keeping him from hurting either of us. I never did anything else. I'd hold him until he got too tired to keep going. I got so much shit for supposedly being mean to and beating up my brother. Unbelievable. I was a competitive athlete, if I had made any effort to hurt him at all, he'd have been in the hospital (yet again). Every time I got told not to hurt my brother. Hello? Who attacked whom, here?

If I'd been remotely one of those people whose anger gets acted out there would have been dead, broken things everywhere. Maybe I should have. Maybe then I could have spoken to a psychologist about the garbage "responsibility". Maybe then people would have stopped trying to make me responsible for everything and everyone.

But you know what really sucks? Yeah. It turns out that crap when I was 8? Is true. Of the three of us, I am the only one not irretrievably broken in some way. I mean, everyone in the universe is slightly dented, but in real, unfixable ways they are genuinely just not capable of functioning as well as I am. Which is pretty messed up, frankly. Plus, everyone expects me to be that person, which, just, no. I am disinterested in being responsible for you people.

And someone is always trying to rescue them. It's not even just inside the family. I can go hang or take care of myself, but somebody is always saving them. No quotes, actual life-saving has been involved.

I don't even get to take a bath with RIchard Gere or a filthy rich dysfunctional bachelor who pays me to take said bath so I can talk about my therapy enabling me to say, "I was very angry with [them]."

Fuck it.

Side note: Things people let slip sometimes. Oh, you do know you're doing certain things and you're doing them on purpose to be manipulative. How nice. Points for me not being insane sadly cancelled out by this still making people feel like dirt.

Comments

  1. Either dumping this here will help me sleep tonight, or I will be so exhausted that I miss what I'm supposed to be doing in the morning.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog