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Son of a beach. She's rationalized EVERYTHING. She tells me she's gone to see a counselor in the recent past. She has a mini-breakdown tonight and I say, because I'm stupid and think it's supportive, go see your counselor. To her credit, she did not attack me, but boy did she get defensive. I even told her that for me counseling is a 100% safe space, which also means I am allowing her to know that I have spoken with counselors. I think that's a pretty big trust thing, but seemingly not a fair trade in this economy.
Nope. Every time someone says that you're pressuring me.++ Counseling doesn't work for her, she's looking into something else. I am understandably skeptical because that's what she's said every other time - the I'm finding something that works for me bit. She always comes back and says what was wrong with it and how it doesn't work for her and never goes more than once, maybe twice.
She did state that she doesn't find counseling a safe space, which is a whole thing that really ought to be unpacked since I KNOW my parents took my brother to a counselor when he was in junior high on the recommendation of his doctor (my brother basically refused to participate so that ended quickly), and she has adamantly pushed 'you need counseling' on my sister, my niece, and my dad. Oh, boy, has she pushed it on my dad. Who, as it happens, has spoken to people at various times throughout his life so I am convinced that her pushing him is more about her. I'm not a professional though. I don't even play one on TV.
In fact, I also know that she did see a counselor for a short time about 10 years ago, and even agreed to be on medication for a while to deal with an acute situation. Everything she has ever said about that experience was positive.
Basically, I think she knows she has problems, hates that everyone (for certain values) else knows it, feels judged and criticised and resentful. I think she feels overwhelmed and wants desperately to control a situation that will never be under her control and resents the implication that she needs to accept the unacceptable. And she's afraid. Hello, no kidding. It's allowed and normal and lots of people need help with that.
WHICH IS ALL FINE, except for the part where she treats everyone else like shit with random, unpredictable blow-ups at us for things that have NOTHING TO DO WITH US. I mean, apparently we are the living embodiment of all the things that are pressuring her, so I am clearly unreasonable about this. However ...
Oh, prior to the breakdown we were touching base about what's going on and I asked a question relating to my dad (instead of just keeping my mouth shut because I forget that I am not talking to a rational person). Her response was completely phrased with "I", and "me", and "my". Which reeeeaally scraped like nails on a chalkboard. Leading to my futile (but subtle and carefully phrased) attempt to clarify whether or not this was about what my dad needed, or what she needed. 'Cuz I'm stupid and was really also trying to obliquely suggest that this wasn't frakking about her first and Dad second.
Oh, Peter, Paul, and Mary. I'm an ass. I am an African wild ass. 10 minutes later she finally says well of course it's about my dad first. After telling me that she thinks of them as one and the same, people don't really make that separation, well she and my dad never have, and Ontario Mega Finance Group.
Yes, of course you have needs. Yes, of course you also need questions answered. No, I don't mean you should not go with dad to the doctor (yeah, I may have fudged a little on this one because I know she was looking for validation because she knows there's been some issues). LIttle johnny jump-ups and tiny pansies.
AND I'M REALLY FREAKING UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE I HAVE A HEAT RASH. GOD, THOSE THINGS ITCH. I mean, it could theoretically be poison ivy, or something, but since I haven't been rolling around in any it's most likely just a miserably uncomfortable heat rash.
I am so fucking tired. But I"ll complain about that some other time. Carry on, Montesquieu.
++ Implication sounded strongly of the idea that people are constantly saying this to her. Which I very carefully challenged, and which she rolled back a bit to a more realistic, well, ok, maybe people aren't constantly saying it to her. Oh, man does somebody need something like cognitive behavioral therapy.
Son of a beach. She's rationalized EVERYTHING. She tells me she's gone to see a counselor in the recent past. She has a mini-breakdown tonight and I say, because I'm stupid and think it's supportive, go see your counselor. To her credit, she did not attack me, but boy did she get defensive. I even told her that for me counseling is a 100% safe space, which also means I am allowing her to know that I have spoken with counselors. I think that's a pretty big trust thing, but seemingly not a fair trade in this economy.
Nope. Every time someone says that you're pressuring me.++ Counseling doesn't work for her, she's looking into something else. I am understandably skeptical because that's what she's said every other time - the I'm finding something that works for me bit. She always comes back and says what was wrong with it and how it doesn't work for her and never goes more than once, maybe twice.
She did state that she doesn't find counseling a safe space, which is a whole thing that really ought to be unpacked since I KNOW my parents took my brother to a counselor when he was in junior high on the recommendation of his doctor (my brother basically refused to participate so that ended quickly), and she has adamantly pushed 'you need counseling' on my sister, my niece, and my dad. Oh, boy, has she pushed it on my dad. Who, as it happens, has spoken to people at various times throughout his life so I am convinced that her pushing him is more about her. I'm not a professional though. I don't even play one on TV.
In fact, I also know that she did see a counselor for a short time about 10 years ago, and even agreed to be on medication for a while to deal with an acute situation. Everything she has ever said about that experience was positive.
Basically, I think she knows she has problems, hates that everyone (for certain values) else knows it, feels judged and criticised and resentful. I think she feels overwhelmed and wants desperately to control a situation that will never be under her control and resents the implication that she needs to accept the unacceptable. And she's afraid. Hello, no kidding. It's allowed and normal and lots of people need help with that.
WHICH IS ALL FINE, except for the part where she treats everyone else like shit with random, unpredictable blow-ups at us for things that have NOTHING TO DO WITH US. I mean, apparently we are the living embodiment of all the things that are pressuring her, so I am clearly unreasonable about this. However ...
Oh, prior to the breakdown we were touching base about what's going on and I asked a question relating to my dad (instead of just keeping my mouth shut because I forget that I am not talking to a rational person). Her response was completely phrased with "I", and "me", and "my". Which reeeeaally scraped like nails on a chalkboard. Leading to my futile (but subtle and carefully phrased) attempt to clarify whether or not this was about what my dad needed, or what she needed. 'Cuz I'm stupid and was really also trying to obliquely suggest that this wasn't frakking about her first and Dad second.
Oh, Peter, Paul, and Mary. I'm an ass. I am an African wild ass. 10 minutes later she finally says well of course it's about my dad first. After telling me that she thinks of them as one and the same, people don't really make that separation, well she and my dad never have, and Ontario Mega Finance Group.
Yes, of course you have needs. Yes, of course you also need questions answered. No, I don't mean you should not go with dad to the doctor (yeah, I may have fudged a little on this one because I know she was looking for validation because she knows there's been some issues). LIttle johnny jump-ups and tiny pansies.
AND I'M REALLY FREAKING UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE I HAVE A HEAT RASH. GOD, THOSE THINGS ITCH. I mean, it could theoretically be poison ivy, or something, but since I haven't been rolling around in any it's most likely just a miserably uncomfortable heat rash.
I am so fucking tired. But I"ll complain about that some other time. Carry on, Montesquieu.
++ Implication sounded strongly of the idea that people are constantly saying this to her. Which I very carefully challenged, and which she rolled back a bit to a more realistic, well, ok, maybe people aren't constantly saying it to her. Oh, man does somebody need something like cognitive behavioral therapy.
...all of that sounds very, very familiar, as behaviors I have battled in myself (sometimes, anyway; when I've been exhausted or stressed I haven't been able to recognize them). Which isn't to excuse or exonerate her; obviously no one should have to live with someone who is acting like that.
ReplyDeleteBleh.
Well, yeah, I mean, part of what is hard is that it doesn't have to be this way. And yet. And even if I go and get a bed at the homeless shelter, she'd still be at my dad. I mean, I'm obviously losing all perspective at times, presumably due to occasionally being attacked. Even when I'm not being actively attacked, I'm expecting it and on edge. Like, I want to give her credit for what she does do that isn't dysfunctional. But I think I'm out of her share of energy, and then some. I need some to get my ass going - somewhere, anywhere - and I'd like to have some available for my dad, who is the actual sick person. Jfacm (that's for consenting - I'm all about the consent).
ReplyDelete