Ugh, god, my mother is telling me how she's rationalizing and justifying the crap with my dad.
Ugh, god, my mother is telling me how she's rationalizing and justifying the crap with my dad. And none of it is disabusing me of my original impression from talking to my dad. So
and now she imagines that he always and only asks me about using his stupid ipad. and she's still pissed about the fact that he set up his own password and his own apple id. She wanted him to use hers. and she thinks the password and info written on the paper in the ipad box is obviously wrong (it's not). And the more I listen, the more it sounds like she basically wants the ipad to be hers so she can use it. And she has this whole narrative about how she needs to be able to take the ipad when she travels because it's so much smaller and lighter than her laptop and it's better to have your own device to check your email and look up directions and etc. Firstly, I'm not sure how much traveling this is that she needs to be able to check directions and things, secondly I even said oh, I didn't realize you brought your laptop with you all the time. To which she essentially responded you don't know me, you don't know what I do! Ok, inner teenager. Besides, you can read books on it (she has a Nook reader)! P.S. Any time I have traveled with my parents, and I mean longer than a day trip, she has never brought her laptop. Even on car trips. Maybe she takes it when my parents travel alone? I'm pretty positive she didn't take it for Christmas, though. Even so, if this is really an I wish/I would if I had an ipad! Just get a bloody ipad of your own.
She even shared that she had sent an email to my brother telling him that if he wanted to interact with her or wanted her to be able to interact with the baby that he'd have to facetime her over her laptop. She wasn't using that ipad (or talking to people on facetime on the ipad or I don't know what). And some other crap. And he did. And she was sooooooo much happier. Control much? Bull this is about her getting her feelings hurt, although she is, because she has decided that she is being rejected (she kind of is, but not initially the way she thinks; she was instrumental in creating this, regretfully, but don't tell her that). It's about her wanting to control every godsdamned thing and being pissed that other grown adults have agency. And that life doesn't freaking always work the way you want it to.
She thinks this ipad is like a bank account, which my parents have always shared. I think she thinks my dad actually uses the email on the ipad, which all the kids wish he would so we could not have this screwed up dodecahedral codependency shit and sometimes just talk to dad without having to talk to mom. Fyi - he doesn't use the freaking email. He used it once and only once when he first had the ipad because these particular minis or whatever frequently come with a software flaw that has to be fixed by Cupertino doing something in the cloud remotely blah blah and they do some of their communicating with you via the email on the device in question.
Also, it occurs to me that this is the kind of controlling bull that abusers do. You can't have separate email, you have to use my email so I see everything and know everything, you can't have a separate device I have to be able to access and control it, and ew, that's messed up. What the hell kind of secrets does she think he's got to keep? And if she's thinking this way, what the hell secrets has she got that she isn't telling? Ick, I need a bath.
Do you have a few hundred dollars an hour to go through the therapy of how she set herself up as the go between in conversations our whole lives? I mean, it's late to realize this, but you cannot tell my mom or dad anything without them telling the other person. It's pathologic, not cutesy romantic oh we just trust each other with everything. It's not normal for people not to be able to have SOME ability to keep aspects of some relationships separated. Plus, they eventually tell all the siblings everything the other siblings have ever said or done. My god, I don't want to talk to either of them half the time because I might as well have made an announcement in public. Not only do they tell each other, they tell everyone else. Plus, they give it their own spin. If you tell them you don't want things publicly broadcast, they'll tell you they want to be able to talk about their children with their friends, or that they're just helping because someone might know something or have helpful information, or my mom likes to talk about how she's just making sure her children have a relationship. AUGH! BOUNDARIES, RESPECT THEM. jfam
And she thinks it's terrible that he got mad at her for telling him to slow down and do this and do that with the ipad, when he hadn't asked for any input. It's like she can't not "help", even if nobody wants the help. (My dad also fails the don't help unless you're asked test, but my mom is more than happy to point it out to him if he does it. Woe betide if you tell her the same.)
She's still catastrophizing about omg what if there's no prepared food in the house and we both get sick! Obviously, since I'm still here, I couldn't possibly be of assistance. Or maybe she thinks all the people she's used up favors with/on for the idiot uncle are no longer people of whom help could be asked for herself. or she can't accept asking others for help because control. This was prompted by my dad only buying one pizza for dinner, rather than two so the extra one could be put in the freezer (my comment here would be for archaeologic expeditions to discover in the next century, but one of the things that actually gets eaten in less than a year would be pizza). We probably have at least a month's worth of canned food, as well. I'd suggest she just get one of those survivalist kits with a year's worth of MREs and packets of water but I suspect she would not find that humorous.
And she's hurt. She feels hurt about things going back "years". She feels rejected. Um, you know, that's completely fair. She definitely is being rejected and may have been being rejected for some time. I promise you, though, that this tangles in crap with her brother (or that's the ultimate crystallization of her years of resentment) and the only way that situation is gonna be tolerable is if she absolutely deals with it on her own whether we're horrible and don't support her or not because she believes she's right. In which case, she needs to not bring it home, not demand that we acknowledge it, not force us to listen to it, etc. and she cannot get stressed/distressed because of it and bring that home and project it at other people. No matter what she thinks, we do not have to support her self destructive involvement with a terrible person. We wouldn't support an addiction, why would we support something else damaging?
This crap about the ipad is bull. It's like it symbolizes all of us working together to exclude her, because we don't think she knows anything,
Oh, and she said that somewhere, about my dad asking me about the ipad because he doesn't think she knows things, or something. When I said, well, maybe he's like a kid who just wants to figure it out himself, even if he's getting angry/frustrated, and she immediately said but I was helping! Which ya wouldn't find too effective with a kid, either. Sometimes, you let people figure things out on their own. Sometimes, they even then come and ask you for your help in the future, which is what you wanted all along, but if you demand it, you never get it. Seriously? I feel like I'm dealing with children.
My dad can be a real jerk when he's in severe pain at times. Nothing original about that, although it is hurtful, even when you know what's up, and it definitely sucks energy out of you. Meanwhile, did my mom take any of the caregiver classes when he was in hospice? No, but she took one when she decided to help her brother. And she's a pompous ass about it, too. Well, I know all about this because caregiver class this, and caregiver class that, and somehow, it all makes her sound good and everyone else sound bad. She's a freaking martyr to our hurtful thoughtless exclusionary mean-spiritedness. I have news for you. If someone has gotten to the point that they pretty much never want to be anywhere near you, barring abuse, insanity, or a few other outliers, this is not 100% about them. You cannot be as perfect as you are trying to tell yourself you are. Yes, that's hurtful to have to face that, but that's not someone hurting you, it's a thing which is hurtful. And trying to place blame or responsibility is not the way to process it. But she never does anything that hurts other people. She's always considering other people. Everything she does is about other people. Well, ok, so stop. Do whatever it is that you think you aren't doing to consider yourself first. Be willing to take that wherever it goes, though. You cannot control the outcome. You have to be willing to accept it, whatever it ends up being.
Her birthday is coming up and I asked her if she wanted anyting or to do anyting and she wistfully said how she wished my dad would just get her a card or a flower like heused to. Firstly, assuming he's phyiscally able to go get one, which is a real thing, he was doing the occasional gesture. Bringing her goodies if he went somewhere, bringing her a snack, giving her a holiday card or whatever. You know what happened the last time he brought her something? The same thing that has happened 9/10 times the last three years. She bitched him out about what was wrong with what he did and how he could have done it right. Now does that motivate you to keep doing thoughtful little gestures for someone? Wanna know what the last one was? It was recent, too. My mom likes the cinnamon donut holes because she likes cinnamon and she can sometimes help herself eat less if she freezes them in little snack bags of 3 donut holes. Ok, but they were out of them, so he got her the only cinnamon donut they had, which was a whole apple filled cinnamon donut. Instead of saying thank you, don't worry about it next time, I really do prefer the donut holes, she got mad and asked who he expected to eat that and she didn't want it and etc. Anybody else remember being told as a 5 year old that you just smile and say thank you? Bueller? Anyone? This is a grown adult getting angry at their significant other because a donut. Really? Am I missing something here? Have I grossly misinterpreted this while everyone else sees perfectly standard, normalized, accepted behavior?
and now she imagines that he always and only asks me about using his stupid ipad. and she's still pissed about the fact that he set up his own password and his own apple id. She wanted him to use hers. and she thinks the password and info written on the paper in the ipad box is obviously wrong (it's not). And the more I listen, the more it sounds like she basically wants the ipad to be hers so she can use it. And she has this whole narrative about how she needs to be able to take the ipad when she travels because it's so much smaller and lighter than her laptop and it's better to have your own device to check your email and look up directions and etc. Firstly, I'm not sure how much traveling this is that she needs to be able to check directions and things, secondly I even said oh, I didn't realize you brought your laptop with you all the time. To which she essentially responded you don't know me, you don't know what I do! Ok, inner teenager. Besides, you can read books on it (she has a Nook reader)! P.S. Any time I have traveled with my parents, and I mean longer than a day trip, she has never brought her laptop. Even on car trips. Maybe she takes it when my parents travel alone? I'm pretty positive she didn't take it for Christmas, though. Even so, if this is really an I wish/I would if I had an ipad! Just get a bloody ipad of your own.
She even shared that she had sent an email to my brother telling him that if he wanted to interact with her or wanted her to be able to interact with the baby that he'd have to facetime her over her laptop. She wasn't using that ipad (or talking to people on facetime on the ipad or I don't know what). And some other crap. And he did. And she was sooooooo much happier. Control much? Bull this is about her getting her feelings hurt, although she is, because she has decided that she is being rejected (she kind of is, but not initially the way she thinks; she was instrumental in creating this, regretfully, but don't tell her that). It's about her wanting to control every godsdamned thing and being pissed that other grown adults have agency. And that life doesn't freaking always work the way you want it to.
She thinks this ipad is like a bank account, which my parents have always shared. I think she thinks my dad actually uses the email on the ipad, which all the kids wish he would so we could not have this screwed up dodecahedral codependency shit and sometimes just talk to dad without having to talk to mom. Fyi - he doesn't use the freaking email. He used it once and only once when he first had the ipad because these particular minis or whatever frequently come with a software flaw that has to be fixed by Cupertino doing something in the cloud remotely blah blah and they do some of their communicating with you via the email on the device in question.
Also, it occurs to me that this is the kind of controlling bull that abusers do. You can't have separate email, you have to use my email so I see everything and know everything, you can't have a separate device I have to be able to access and control it, and ew, that's messed up. What the hell kind of secrets does she think he's got to keep? And if she's thinking this way, what the hell secrets has she got that she isn't telling? Ick, I need a bath.
Do you have a few hundred dollars an hour to go through the therapy of how she set herself up as the go between in conversations our whole lives? I mean, it's late to realize this, but you cannot tell my mom or dad anything without them telling the other person. It's pathologic, not cutesy romantic oh we just trust each other with everything. It's not normal for people not to be able to have SOME ability to keep aspects of some relationships separated. Plus, they eventually tell all the siblings everything the other siblings have ever said or done. My god, I don't want to talk to either of them half the time because I might as well have made an announcement in public. Not only do they tell each other, they tell everyone else. Plus, they give it their own spin. If you tell them you don't want things publicly broadcast, they'll tell you they want to be able to talk about their children with their friends, or that they're just helping because someone might know something or have helpful information, or my mom likes to talk about how she's just making sure her children have a relationship. AUGH! BOUNDARIES, RESPECT THEM. jfam
And she thinks it's terrible that he got mad at her for telling him to slow down and do this and do that with the ipad, when he hadn't asked for any input. It's like she can't not "help", even if nobody wants the help. (My dad also fails the don't help unless you're asked test, but my mom is more than happy to point it out to him if he does it. Woe betide if you tell her the same.)
She's still catastrophizing about omg what if there's no prepared food in the house and we both get sick! Obviously, since I'm still here, I couldn't possibly be of assistance. Or maybe she thinks all the people she's used up favors with/on for the idiot uncle are no longer people of whom help could be asked for herself. or she can't accept asking others for help because control. This was prompted by my dad only buying one pizza for dinner, rather than two so the extra one could be put in the freezer (my comment here would be for archaeologic expeditions to discover in the next century, but one of the things that actually gets eaten in less than a year would be pizza). We probably have at least a month's worth of canned food, as well. I'd suggest she just get one of those survivalist kits with a year's worth of MREs and packets of water but I suspect she would not find that humorous.
And she's hurt. She feels hurt about things going back "years". She feels rejected. Um, you know, that's completely fair. She definitely is being rejected and may have been being rejected for some time. I promise you, though, that this tangles in crap with her brother (or that's the ultimate crystallization of her years of resentment) and the only way that situation is gonna be tolerable is if she absolutely deals with it on her own whether we're horrible and don't support her or not because she believes she's right. In which case, she needs to not bring it home, not demand that we acknowledge it, not force us to listen to it, etc. and she cannot get stressed/distressed because of it and bring that home and project it at other people. No matter what she thinks, we do not have to support her self destructive involvement with a terrible person. We wouldn't support an addiction, why would we support something else damaging?
This crap about the ipad is bull. It's like it symbolizes all of us working together to exclude her, because we don't think she knows anything,
Oh, and she said that somewhere, about my dad asking me about the ipad because he doesn't think she knows things, or something. When I said, well, maybe he's like a kid who just wants to figure it out himself, even if he's getting angry/frustrated, and she immediately said but I was helping! Which ya wouldn't find too effective with a kid, either. Sometimes, you let people figure things out on their own. Sometimes, they even then come and ask you for your help in the future, which is what you wanted all along, but if you demand it, you never get it. Seriously? I feel like I'm dealing with children.
My dad can be a real jerk when he's in severe pain at times. Nothing original about that, although it is hurtful, even when you know what's up, and it definitely sucks energy out of you. Meanwhile, did my mom take any of the caregiver classes when he was in hospice? No, but she took one when she decided to help her brother. And she's a pompous ass about it, too. Well, I know all about this because caregiver class this, and caregiver class that, and somehow, it all makes her sound good and everyone else sound bad. She's a freaking martyr to our hurtful thoughtless exclusionary mean-spiritedness. I have news for you. If someone has gotten to the point that they pretty much never want to be anywhere near you, barring abuse, insanity, or a few other outliers, this is not 100% about them. You cannot be as perfect as you are trying to tell yourself you are. Yes, that's hurtful to have to face that, but that's not someone hurting you, it's a thing which is hurtful. And trying to place blame or responsibility is not the way to process it. But she never does anything that hurts other people. She's always considering other people. Everything she does is about other people. Well, ok, so stop. Do whatever it is that you think you aren't doing to consider yourself first. Be willing to take that wherever it goes, though. You cannot control the outcome. You have to be willing to accept it, whatever it ends up being.
Her birthday is coming up and I asked her if she wanted anyting or to do anyting and she wistfully said how she wished my dad would just get her a card or a flower like heused to. Firstly, assuming he's phyiscally able to go get one, which is a real thing, he was doing the occasional gesture. Bringing her goodies if he went somewhere, bringing her a snack, giving her a holiday card or whatever. You know what happened the last time he brought her something? The same thing that has happened 9/10 times the last three years. She bitched him out about what was wrong with what he did and how he could have done it right. Now does that motivate you to keep doing thoughtful little gestures for someone? Wanna know what the last one was? It was recent, too. My mom likes the cinnamon donut holes because she likes cinnamon and she can sometimes help herself eat less if she freezes them in little snack bags of 3 donut holes. Ok, but they were out of them, so he got her the only cinnamon donut they had, which was a whole apple filled cinnamon donut. Instead of saying thank you, don't worry about it next time, I really do prefer the donut holes, she got mad and asked who he expected to eat that and she didn't want it and etc. Anybody else remember being told as a 5 year old that you just smile and say thank you? Bueller? Anyone? This is a grown adult getting angry at their significant other because a donut. Really? Am I missing something here? Have I grossly misinterpreted this while everyone else sees perfectly standard, normalized, accepted behavior?
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