This is not the essay I am supposed to be writing, but I feel better now.
This is not the essay I am supposed to be writing, but I feel better now.
An Open Letter on Gifts, and Why I Reject You Them
Once upon a time, we used to do lists. It's a really common and brilliant solution to the whole what to get people thing. You keep a list and update it and when someone wants to get you something, they look there. Amazon has made great use of this entirely unoriginal concept.
It's great to kind of squirrel away random observations and overhearings, as well, if you are good at curating them. This can result in some pretty thoughtful and unexpected gifts, which is nice. However, it also helps tremendously if you listen when someone tells you directly, "Do not get me this." No, really. Because at that point, it is on the person who said Do Not Want if they suddenly change their mind and decide they Do Want. What is on you is not to get someone something they clearly and specifically said they Do Not Want.
Hence the helpfulness of lists. Lists can be changed, with the understanding that someone may have looked at the list six months ago before you changed it. Presumably, they also understand that that might have happened, and because it's the thought that counts, will not mind if, in the interim, you have determined you don't want that and will be very pleased for you to exchange it or burn it, as you please. Because maybe what you now want more than anything in the world is the perfect facilitation of exothermic combustion, and how did you know?! It's the perfect gift! It explodes when set on fire! And I'd never have gotten it for myself! Ahem.
This year, I find myself in the specifically having said Do Not Want situation. Further, there is a thing which I personally was not subjected to this year, but which has become a repeated issue over the last 3 years. To wit, the old person collects junk and wraps it as a present phenomenon. The details of which need a whole tl;dr of their own, but basically falls into the general DNW category of gifting so are included under this aegis.
Well, I amstupid curious and perused teh intarwebs under the assumption that myriad totally unqualified individuals would have stepped up to replace the ancient print institutions of Dear Abby, Miss Manners, and a host of Vanderbilts and Posts with equally helpful insights. After you have picked yourself up off the floor, regained your breath, and wiped the spit take from your viewing screen, it will surprise no one that human social dysfunction is highlighted better in few places than in discussing gifts and giving. The one exception is that when I searched specifically for psychology, gifts, giving, and variants thereof, intelligent, thoughtful, and useful content was revealed. Unwanted gifts as search terms, however, is why the rest of this entry.
I am specifically speaking in our cultural context in the present time and place. This is important. That said, wow. Where to start. How about telling 5 year olds to just say thank you and appreciate the thought and effort that went into getting you a gift and the presumed affection it represents? Sure, why not. You're five. These are important concepts of which to develop an understanding. When you are an adult, no.
Really. I mean, you can nuance this a bit, but the bottom line for fully functioning, capable adults is you should be completely free to say thank you for thinking of me and then exchange the gift for something useful and wanted. You should not have to lie, prevaricate, obfuscate, or manipulate so you "don't hurt someone's feelings". This is the advice that is all over the internet. Basically, lie. Because if you don't, you are a mean, thoughtless, terrible person who didn't consider the gift giver.
Firstly, would you tell a 5 year old to lie? Oh, right, we already did. Nevermind, then. Except usually with the 5 year old, if they aren't playing with a toy, we use that as a teaching moment about sharing, and generosity, and donating. That, or we take the gift back and exchange it, with lots of explanations about how this is still the thought that counts. All of which are available options as adults, Except adults have independent agency. There is no reason why we shouldn't be able to say to someone this was awesome, thanks for the thought, I'm going to exchange it
People's feelings get hurt partly because they've been told their feelings should be hurt. I'm not rejecting you, I'm rejecting the gift. In fact, I'm not "rejecting" the whole concept of the gift, I'm telling you that I trust and respect and appreciate you so much, that rather than lie to you, I am accepting your gift and making what is most meaningful to me out of it. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do that.
If what you are giving me is an emotional or psychological burden, it is not a gift.
If what you are giving me is more clutter and junk that physically burdens me, it is not a gift.
You do not have to "surprise" me for it to "really" be a gift. A "surprise" burden is not a gift.
If I have to lie to you in order to survive the relationship tied into the gift, it is not a gift.
I appreciate that you are disappointed that you did not get the "perfect" gift. A gift does not have to be "perfect" to be a gift. You are still appreciated, as are your thoughts and efforts.
Well, you're being selfish and not thinking at all of the people giving the gifts. They go to a lot of trouble, and they love you, and put all that time and effort into doing something for you and they didn't have to ... ok, all I can hear is a lot of buzzing noises like that episode of Star Trek TOS where they drink bad coffee and turn into mosquito noises. Yes, absolutely. People give gifts because they care. We will pretend that no one ever intends control, obligation, or other baggage along with it. Wrong post.
Here's the thing. If I genuinely care for and about you, after I have sincerely tried to find something you would truly use, enjoy, etc., if I turn out to have gotten it wrong, I am not most concerned about me. I have not failed, I am not a horrible human, I am not banished for imperfection, I do not need to move to the Jundland Wastes and hope somebody mistakes me for an old Jedi master (An idiot teenager with a speeder. Thank god! The bus service out here is terrible).
What I am concerned about is how the gift can become something meaningful or useful to you. Because what the gift represents is a moment of me caring about you, not me. I mean, it's usually all about me and as soon as we resolve this critical gift fail we can go back to this being all about me (here's a link to my Amazon wish list).
Meanwhile, that means you as the recipient have to be able to say awesome, it's not exactly right, are we cool if we work to get it exactly right? And that means I, as the gift-giver, have to be a mature adult and say, well, I'm bummed it isn't perfect, but of course because I want you to love it. My tiny, fragile ego willmanifest as an invisible monster on Altair IV survive because someday I will be perfect get the perfect gift on the first try we actually care about each other and trust our interaction enough to be * gasp * honest (not mean, just truthful).
In partial conclusion, please to be dumping all the co-dependent, dishonest, manipulative behavioral recommendations in the trash and start telling people to put on their grown-up adult panties (unless you got them the wrong size and need to exchange them first; it's ok, we'll wait) and talk to each other. I love you, it's the wrong gift, super! let's go shopping!
Lastly, just food for thought, why is it ok to exchange a gift for some form of other gift or credit, but not for cash? Really, why? I am ignoring all the people out there who have decided that giving gift cards, debit cards, or actual negotiable currency is somehow insulting and an unacceptable item as a gift, because that is idiotic. Facilitating someone getting the perfect thing should be just as legitimate as hoping you got them the perfect thing.
And why does it have to be things? Are we sure some marketing cartel isn't out there trolling the gift etiquette postings? Maybe people want to save up for a big trip, or college, orthat plastic surgery they saw on TV a life changing surgery. If it's ok to give to a charity (which apparently means not something that would directly benefit the person getting the gift of a donation in their name to a charity)(unless it's cancer, because that is specifically mentioned as an ok to give to something that might directly benefit the person in question), why isn't it ok to donate to improving the person's life directly?
I mean, I get it. What they probably really mean is people who take all gifts ever received and take them back to the store to get money out of it, like it's a kind of scam. Except (need another word that means except) do you know anyone who has ever done this? Ever? And if they have, might that be because what the person needs is, in fact, money? Like, you know how in a disaster they frequently say that the most helpful thing you can do is send money because that way they can address exactly what is needed when it is needed? It's frequently more helpful than sending stuff. Maybe that's what's going on. And it's even more taboo to discuss needing money (beggar! layabout! are there no prisons, are there no workhouses!), than to discuss returning a gift.
Man, this is long.
In genuine conclusion, it is ok to return gifts, buy less stuff, be honest with each other, spend time caring about and doing things for each other, saving lives. and generally contributing to the world. Unless this leads to gross overpopulation, disease, famine, and death. Omg, I'm destroying the planet. Nevermind, you can't get back the 10 minutes you just spent reading this but I love it; it's just what I always wanted.
An Open Letter on Gifts, and Why I Reject You Them
Once upon a time, we used to do lists. It's a really common and brilliant solution to the whole what to get people thing. You keep a list and update it and when someone wants to get you something, they look there. Amazon has made great use of this entirely unoriginal concept.
It's great to kind of squirrel away random observations and overhearings, as well, if you are good at curating them. This can result in some pretty thoughtful and unexpected gifts, which is nice. However, it also helps tremendously if you listen when someone tells you directly, "Do not get me this." No, really. Because at that point, it is on the person who said Do Not Want if they suddenly change their mind and decide they Do Want. What is on you is not to get someone something they clearly and specifically said they Do Not Want.
Hence the helpfulness of lists. Lists can be changed, with the understanding that someone may have looked at the list six months ago before you changed it. Presumably, they also understand that that might have happened, and because it's the thought that counts, will not mind if, in the interim, you have determined you don't want that and will be very pleased for you to exchange it or burn it, as you please. Because maybe what you now want more than anything in the world is the perfect facilitation of exothermic combustion, and how did you know?! It's the perfect gift! It explodes when set on fire! And I'd never have gotten it for myself! Ahem.
This year, I find myself in the specifically having said Do Not Want situation. Further, there is a thing which I personally was not subjected to this year, but which has become a repeated issue over the last 3 years. To wit, the old person collects junk and wraps it as a present phenomenon. The details of which need a whole tl;dr of their own, but basically falls into the general DNW category of gifting so are included under this aegis.
Well, I am
I am specifically speaking in our cultural context in the present time and place. This is important. That said, wow. Where to start. How about telling 5 year olds to just say thank you and appreciate the thought and effort that went into getting you a gift and the presumed affection it represents? Sure, why not. You're five. These are important concepts of which to develop an understanding. When you are an adult, no.
Really. I mean, you can nuance this a bit, but the bottom line for fully functioning, capable adults is you should be completely free to say thank you for thinking of me and then exchange the gift for something useful and wanted. You should not have to lie, prevaricate, obfuscate, or manipulate so you "don't hurt someone's feelings". This is the advice that is all over the internet. Basically, lie. Because if you don't, you are a mean, thoughtless, terrible person who didn't consider the gift giver.
Firstly, would you tell a 5 year old to lie? Oh, right, we already did. Nevermind, then. Except usually with the 5 year old, if they aren't playing with a toy, we use that as a teaching moment about sharing, and generosity, and donating. That, or we take the gift back and exchange it, with lots of explanations about how this is still the thought that counts. All of which are available options as adults, Except adults have independent agency. There is no reason why we shouldn't be able to say to someone this was awesome, thanks for the thought, I'm going to exchange it
People's feelings get hurt partly because they've been told their feelings should be hurt. I'm not rejecting you, I'm rejecting the gift. In fact, I'm not "rejecting" the whole concept of the gift, I'm telling you that I trust and respect and appreciate you so much, that rather than lie to you, I am accepting your gift and making what is most meaningful to me out of it. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do that.
If what you are giving me is an emotional or psychological burden, it is not a gift.
If what you are giving me is more clutter and junk that physically burdens me, it is not a gift.
You do not have to "surprise" me for it to "really" be a gift. A "surprise" burden is not a gift.
If I have to lie to you in order to survive the relationship tied into the gift, it is not a gift.
I appreciate that you are disappointed that you did not get the "perfect" gift. A gift does not have to be "perfect" to be a gift. You are still appreciated, as are your thoughts and efforts.
Well, you're being selfish and not thinking at all of the people giving the gifts. They go to a lot of trouble, and they love you, and put all that time and effort into doing something for you and they didn't have to ... ok, all I can hear is a lot of buzzing noises like that episode of Star Trek TOS where they drink bad coffee and turn into mosquito noises. Yes, absolutely. People give gifts because they care. We will pretend that no one ever intends control, obligation, or other baggage along with it. Wrong post.
Here's the thing. If I genuinely care for and about you, after I have sincerely tried to find something you would truly use, enjoy, etc., if I turn out to have gotten it wrong, I am not most concerned about me. I have not failed, I am not a horrible human, I am not banished for imperfection, I do not need to move to the Jundland Wastes and hope somebody mistakes me for an old Jedi master (An idiot teenager with a speeder. Thank god! The bus service out here is terrible).
What I am concerned about is how the gift can become something meaningful or useful to you. Because what the gift represents is a moment of me caring about you, not me. I mean, it's usually all about me and as soon as we resolve this critical gift fail we can go back to this being all about me (here's a link to my Amazon wish list).
Meanwhile, that means you as the recipient have to be able to say awesome, it's not exactly right, are we cool if we work to get it exactly right? And that means I, as the gift-giver, have to be a mature adult and say, well, I'm bummed it isn't perfect, but of course because I want you to love it. My tiny, fragile ego will
In partial conclusion, please to be dumping all the co-dependent, dishonest, manipulative behavioral recommendations in the trash and start telling people to put on their grown-up adult panties (unless you got them the wrong size and need to exchange them first; it's ok, we'll wait) and talk to each other. I love you, it's the wrong gift, super! let's go shopping!
Lastly, just food for thought, why is it ok to exchange a gift for some form of other gift or credit, but not for cash? Really, why? I am ignoring all the people out there who have decided that giving gift cards, debit cards, or actual negotiable currency is somehow insulting and an unacceptable item as a gift, because that is idiotic. Facilitating someone getting the perfect thing should be just as legitimate as hoping you got them the perfect thing.
And why does it have to be things? Are we sure some marketing cartel isn't out there trolling the gift etiquette postings? Maybe people want to save up for a big trip, or college, or
I mean, I get it. What they probably really mean is people who take all gifts ever received and take them back to the store to get money out of it, like it's a kind of scam. Except (need another word that means except) do you know anyone who has ever done this? Ever? And if they have, might that be because what the person needs is, in fact, money? Like, you know how in a disaster they frequently say that the most helpful thing you can do is send money because that way they can address exactly what is needed when it is needed? It's frequently more helpful than sending stuff. Maybe that's what's going on. And it's even more taboo to discuss needing money (beggar! layabout! are there no prisons, are there no workhouses!), than to discuss returning a gift.
Man, this is long.
In genuine conclusion, it is ok to return gifts, buy less stuff, be honest with each other, spend time caring about and doing things for each other, saving lives. and generally contributing to the world. Unless this leads to gross overpopulation, disease, famine, and death. Omg, I'm destroying the planet. Nevermind, you can't get back the 10 minutes you just spent reading this but I love it; it's just what I always wanted.
Well, as a person who nearly always makes gifts for people, I certainly do have a hard time not taking it personally when they aren't liked, and it isn't as if people can exchange them, either.
ReplyDeleteActually I really hate the RETURN ALL THE THINGS phenomenon for reasons going well beyond gifting, but that's probably more of a digression than is appropriate for Comment The First.
Not stated, but this was specifically referring to boughten stuff. In fact, I agree that if someone makes you something, this is a different category and probably needs a little more thought on the handling. I mean, if you make me my very own gun (not entirely hypothetical), while I appreciate the effort, I kind of feel like it's not totally off for me to mention I might be a little concerned about the legalities and not having anywhere to put it. Maybe you could keep it in your gun safe and I could use it when I visit?
ReplyDeleteI know that's not what you mean, though, and if someone makes something it's much harder. Although, if someone specifically says please don't make me any more sweaters or socks, I really can't use them, would you really still make them a sweater and socks, anyway? I mean, you might make them a hat and scarf, instead. Or if the only things you can make are sweaters and socks, maybe they'd talk with you and you could decide together to donate them to a homeless person?
I guess my point is that if you are close enough to be giving gifts to someone, the idea that rather than being able to talk to someone you should lie to them seems like it's a bit off? Which is pretty much the advice that's out there.
Maybe I'm weird to think that giving and receiving gifts should be more of a cooperative venture, though, for everyone's benefit. Increases the odds of the gift being liked, increases the odds of liking the gift sort of thing.
I can guess at some of the RETURN negatives, but while I am actually interested in those thoughts, probably for later discussion.
I mostly agree with you, and I certainly feel if you are giving a gift to someone you should put in the legwork needed to increase the odds of the person actually having a use for the thing.
ReplyDeleteAlistair Young well, that consideration varies a little based on product; some things can be put back on sale after return with no bother at all, some require a bit of tweaking first, and some have to go straight in the garbage can and so are a complete loss.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, in all cases it costs the seller SOMETHING to process an exchange, though I do see the argument for making it an easy and non-judgmental process (lowers the barrier to buy by reducing risk of being stuck with an unusable thing).
Completely reasonable that the seller is an unwitting bystander/victim in this, but I would argue that this even more means that there is a shared responsibility on gift givers and gift receivers, kind of like a shared obligation of guest and host. Don't screw the merchants.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure how you would resolve that after the fact, but certainly forethought would come in extra handy in avoiding unwanted gifts. While I, too, enjoy surprises, it is not needed. If being a surprise is putting the value of the whole gift thing in jeopardy, forget the surprise. I mean, this is another benefit of lists. You still don't know which thing on the list will be the present, if some form of surprise is necessary.
I have no idea what you do for the subset of people for whom it's not a gift if it's not a pure surprise. They might be at risk of having to be the people who do get told to suck it up or hope nobody notices the re-gift.