Would somebody write a couple of essays and recommendation letters for me?

Would somebody write a couple of essays and recommendation letters for me? I've been given a last minute opportunity that is a jump to the left, so to speak, but at least it's more than the no movement I've been otherwise experiencing? I am not good at writing this stuff and it totally stresses me out. 

Meanwhile, I was trying to do things this morning and my mother interrupts to ask if I can help her friend connect her phone to the wireless. GAH, NO! I AM IN MY CAVE ROOM. Needless to say, I am not in the house.  (Goes off to dark corner muttering about rings and pocketses.)