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A few days ago I mentioned, yet again, my uncle. My has nothing to do with anyone unless he can find a way to use them, manipulative, toxic, DSM V Narcissistic uncle. I also mentioned that he was the root cause of a fight between my parents that led to some stress being thrown my way. My dad actually apologized to me the next day, which he didn't really have to do. My mom stopped speaking to me about my uncle after the last time a few months ago when she swore up and down that she wasn't signing any legal papers, and she knew better than to create any kind of implied legal responsibility for him, etc.
Well, he has manipulated her into getting him moved all the way across the country. He told her he had found someone to stay with until they could get him into the county system for low cost housing and care, etc. So it seems my mother went ahead and got involved in making those arrangements. Without confirming anything my uncle had said was true. Today, apparently, shock, surprise, it turns out there is NoOne for him to stay with. I am told via my father that he was told by my mother that since he is apparently "already on his way", she will have to find him an apartment until they can get him into the county system.
How is she going to get him an apartment without signing the papers? My uncle gets social security, so presumably he's supposed to pay for this, yet my father says my mother has said she is paying for it. Excuse me, I'm going to shout now. WITH WHAT?? Even if I was not here (I'm very expensive), my parents do not have that kind of money. My father isn't dead yet, and, in fact, when he dies, my mother will lose not only his social security, but his military benefits, as well. She will not be able to afford to stay in the house. Is this really the best way for her to take care of herself, never mind my father? Needless to say, my dad is very upset.
She probably had to tell him some of this, since if she is really going to spend money on my uncle in large amounts, my dad will see the bills. None of their money is separated. He has tried to tell her she is being manipulated. She is in denial. I thought I knew what that was. Then I saw my mother, and heard her speaking over the last several days. She's in actual denial, like, omg, I can't talk to this person, there's a complete blank spot on this subject, wtf. See, I thought denial meant someone actively saying, no, no, that's not how it is, and then proceeding to try to rationalize something. Nope. Denial is fantasy land, it's a form of amnesia, you can't discuss something that doesn't exist.
My dad is so upset that he doesn't want her to go with him to the surgeon on Wednesday. Did I mention? The latest fun with cancer update is that you get to have other cancers because you got the first one. It's like ginsu knives. Wait, there's more!
This is his second surgical consult. He had the first one a few weeks ago. He has to decide whether he'd like to risk having half his face removed, or just slowly having pieces of it deform and fall off while it slowly contributes to killing him while it disfigures him. Sounds like fun to me! Eventually, they would probably have to do some form of radical surgery for palliative reasons, even if he didn't have surgery now. So many options, which one to choose! No matter what, he will have to have some surgery on his chest and neck. Now.
And my mom can't tell my uncle to fuck off until the situation with my dad gets to whatever decision point it needs to. I am being a heartless bitch about this, but my uncle is dangerous. He is also abusive when it suits him. She swears he did something nice for her (once) when she was ill, although I have yet to hear any specifics. Fine. He did something nice. Once. How does that weigh against all the other crap?
Like getting my grandfather to change his will on his deathbed in the hospital. Not that this was a big deal, except it would have screwed my grandmother. Too bad for him New York State doesn't consider death bed wills valid. That's ok, he just went ahead and stole money from her. That's ok, he just tried to set my brother up to take the fall for a federal felony. That's ok, he just set my parents and family up to be stalked by his borderline criminal colleagues. That's ok, it only cost $10K+ in lawyers to get them to leave my parents and family alone. Anyone noticing a pattern of behavior here? This sound like someone you would throw a life-preserver, never mind support and allow into your home?
What the hell does it mean that someone is "family" if that's how they behave? To the best of my knowledge, whatever he did for my mom did not include saving her life. Because that is the only justification I can even begin to imagine for her stubborn obsession with "helping" him. You'd pick him over your husband? Who, in fact, verifiably saved your life? You hate your husband so much for dying and abandoning you that this is how your subconscious needs to show it? I mean, I am really struggling to understand this and am at a huge loss.
My response is temperate compared to what my sister has and will continue to say (she hasn't heard the latest). Even my mother knows better than to let my brother know about this. Uncontrollable rage would be the expected response. My sister already felt this had gotten to the point where an intervention would be warranted. The problem is, that would devolve onto my dad to deal with the consequences, and he's a little busy right now.
What the fucking fuck? (I really need to work on my swearing skills. They are completely lame.)
A few days ago I mentioned, yet again, my uncle. My has nothing to do with anyone unless he can find a way to use them, manipulative, toxic, DSM V Narcissistic uncle. I also mentioned that he was the root cause of a fight between my parents that led to some stress being thrown my way. My dad actually apologized to me the next day, which he didn't really have to do. My mom stopped speaking to me about my uncle after the last time a few months ago when she swore up and down that she wasn't signing any legal papers, and she knew better than to create any kind of implied legal responsibility for him, etc.
Well, he has manipulated her into getting him moved all the way across the country. He told her he had found someone to stay with until they could get him into the county system for low cost housing and care, etc. So it seems my mother went ahead and got involved in making those arrangements. Without confirming anything my uncle had said was true. Today, apparently, shock, surprise, it turns out there is NoOne for him to stay with. I am told via my father that he was told by my mother that since he is apparently "already on his way", she will have to find him an apartment until they can get him into the county system.
How is she going to get him an apartment without signing the papers? My uncle gets social security, so presumably he's supposed to pay for this, yet my father says my mother has said she is paying for it. Excuse me, I'm going to shout now. WITH WHAT?? Even if I was not here (I'm very expensive), my parents do not have that kind of money. My father isn't dead yet, and, in fact, when he dies, my mother will lose not only his social security, but his military benefits, as well. She will not be able to afford to stay in the house. Is this really the best way for her to take care of herself, never mind my father? Needless to say, my dad is very upset.
She probably had to tell him some of this, since if she is really going to spend money on my uncle in large amounts, my dad will see the bills. None of their money is separated. He has tried to tell her she is being manipulated. She is in denial. I thought I knew what that was. Then I saw my mother, and heard her speaking over the last several days. She's in actual denial, like, omg, I can't talk to this person, there's a complete blank spot on this subject, wtf. See, I thought denial meant someone actively saying, no, no, that's not how it is, and then proceeding to try to rationalize something. Nope. Denial is fantasy land, it's a form of amnesia, you can't discuss something that doesn't exist.
My dad is so upset that he doesn't want her to go with him to the surgeon on Wednesday. Did I mention? The latest fun with cancer update is that you get to have other cancers because you got the first one. It's like ginsu knives. Wait, there's more!
This is his second surgical consult. He had the first one a few weeks ago. He has to decide whether he'd like to risk having half his face removed, or just slowly having pieces of it deform and fall off while it slowly contributes to killing him while it disfigures him. Sounds like fun to me! Eventually, they would probably have to do some form of radical surgery for palliative reasons, even if he didn't have surgery now. So many options, which one to choose! No matter what, he will have to have some surgery on his chest and neck. Now.
And my mom can't tell my uncle to fuck off until the situation with my dad gets to whatever decision point it needs to. I am being a heartless bitch about this, but my uncle is dangerous. He is also abusive when it suits him. She swears he did something nice for her (once) when she was ill, although I have yet to hear any specifics. Fine. He did something nice. Once. How does that weigh against all the other crap?
Like getting my grandfather to change his will on his deathbed in the hospital. Not that this was a big deal, except it would have screwed my grandmother. Too bad for him New York State doesn't consider death bed wills valid. That's ok, he just went ahead and stole money from her. That's ok, he just tried to set my brother up to take the fall for a federal felony. That's ok, he just set my parents and family up to be stalked by his borderline criminal colleagues. That's ok, it only cost $10K+ in lawyers to get them to leave my parents and family alone. Anyone noticing a pattern of behavior here? This sound like someone you would throw a life-preserver, never mind support and allow into your home?
What the hell does it mean that someone is "family" if that's how they behave? To the best of my knowledge, whatever he did for my mom did not include saving her life. Because that is the only justification I can even begin to imagine for her stubborn obsession with "helping" him. You'd pick him over your husband? Who, in fact, verifiably saved your life? You hate your husband so much for dying and abandoning you that this is how your subconscious needs to show it? I mean, I am really struggling to understand this and am at a huge loss.
My response is temperate compared to what my sister has and will continue to say (she hasn't heard the latest). Even my mother knows better than to let my brother know about this. Uncontrollable rage would be the expected response. My sister already felt this had gotten to the point where an intervention would be warranted. The problem is, that would devolve onto my dad to deal with the consequences, and he's a little busy right now.
What the fucking fuck? (I really need to work on my swearing skills. They are completely lame.)
Don't they, though? All evidence to the contrary.
ReplyDeleteI think a veritable panoply of fucks is called for, if not perhaps entirely sufficient.
ReplyDeleteI mean, seriously, what a fuck.
JFAM.
ReplyDeleteI feel I ought to be able to help with the swearing, but other than that, I got nothin'.
ReplyDeleteThis is all off and bad and outright wrong, and as Maggie Brazeau said, words fail beyond that. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteFamily can be so overwhelmingly toxic sometimes, and I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this. I have no real advice or words of wisdom other than I can understand how terrible and stressful this must be for you and I hope that there’s an improvement.
ReplyDelete