Great.
Great. My dad is feeling better (about which I hope to have details to post in future), and my mom is now letting down from the chronic crisis mode we've been in; and she's being horrible and labile to everyone. She thinks it's so terribly important for my dad to get counseling because he needs to "deal with things". Fine. Where's she going? No, no. She doesn't have time, and it doesn't change anything, anyway.
[tl;dr]
However, and this is a large but, there is something else I have discovered, about which I will try to be brief. My mom's brother, aka my uncle, last had contact with my mother through a lawyer many years ago in the aftermath of my grandmother's death. This was very bad. There were lawyers because my mom had to protect herself. Her life was threatened.
It seems he resurfaced in the last 2-3 years. Homeless, ill, and impoverished. Fortunately (my opinion), he is in another part of the country. Apparently, my mother, when informed, felt that she was obligated to help. Which she did, along with the one friend he has left. Supposedly, he was stabilized and may have found social supports and even some kind of work.
Well, roughly in the last 6 months, that all went buh-bye. And my mother started getting calls from relatives who'd gotten calls, and from a large, well funded, famous, university associated medical center. That was trying to get rid of him as a patient. It seems there are laws that prevent them just tossing someone out, but also disallow them from letting a homeless person go back to being homeless. I get the first bit, not the second. Anyway, they seem to have been trying to declare him incompetent and find someone to make responsible for him so they can, in fact, move him out. (Missing details, but I really don't want to know as much as I do, so sometimes I try to listen and not just walk away.)
My mother is unbelievably conflicted about feeling an obligation to a close family member, no matter what they've done; about feeling an obligation to an abandoned person, because, on principle, no one should ever be abandoned; and knowing she is more obligated to her husband and children and grandchildren, if there's a choice to make.
AND YET, I stood there while she asked a friend of hers how she had gotten a member of her family in somewhat similar circumstances moved across the country and into a care situation. Answer? Lawyer, and lots and lots of money. There is no possible scenario under which that kind of money would be available to my family, nevermind my mother.
So she has to let it go, at least to that extent, but she can't let it go. And I will just say, that knowing the past, and the present, no matter how much money there was, it would be a horrible, horrible, horrible idea for her to become responsible for and bring my uncle here. It would damage her relationships with her children, it would very likely result in the termination of a 49 year marriage, and it would destroy her. Her principles are admirable, even desirable, but that seems a disproportionately high price for principles.
I'm pretty sure she knows all of this, and it it deeply distressing to her. Thus, the added horrible and outbursts.
But she doesn't need counseling, and it doesn't change anything. Well, maybe not for her, but some of us would appreciate a few less irrational outbursts. Even if we understand her considerable and legitimate stress. Verbally abusing us will not help, and we are not benefiting from it, nor is it improving those things which might alleviate her stress, somewhat.
Adding to the fun, this ends up eating huge amounts of time. Half an hour here, an hour there; it ads up. Not really helpful if people are trying to move along and do things that might improve any of our situations.
It's also kind of eroding our respect for her. Slowly, in little ways, we are starting not to like her. No matter how much sympathy or empathy you have for someone, no matter how much you owe them, or love them, need them, or care about them. There is a point at which they are destroying you, and you have to decide whether or not they are worth your damage. And I NEVER thought I would think any such thing about anyone, especially my mother.
Sadly, that was brief.
[tl;dr]
However, and this is a large but, there is something else I have discovered, about which I will try to be brief. My mom's brother, aka my uncle, last had contact with my mother through a lawyer many years ago in the aftermath of my grandmother's death. This was very bad. There were lawyers because my mom had to protect herself. Her life was threatened.
It seems he resurfaced in the last 2-3 years. Homeless, ill, and impoverished. Fortunately (my opinion), he is in another part of the country. Apparently, my mother, when informed, felt that she was obligated to help. Which she did, along with the one friend he has left. Supposedly, he was stabilized and may have found social supports and even some kind of work.
Well, roughly in the last 6 months, that all went buh-bye. And my mother started getting calls from relatives who'd gotten calls, and from a large, well funded, famous, university associated medical center. That was trying to get rid of him as a patient. It seems there are laws that prevent them just tossing someone out, but also disallow them from letting a homeless person go back to being homeless. I get the first bit, not the second. Anyway, they seem to have been trying to declare him incompetent and find someone to make responsible for him so they can, in fact, move him out. (Missing details, but I really don't want to know as much as I do, so sometimes I try to listen and not just walk away.)
My mother is unbelievably conflicted about feeling an obligation to a close family member, no matter what they've done; about feeling an obligation to an abandoned person, because, on principle, no one should ever be abandoned; and knowing she is more obligated to her husband and children and grandchildren, if there's a choice to make.
AND YET, I stood there while she asked a friend of hers how she had gotten a member of her family in somewhat similar circumstances moved across the country and into a care situation. Answer? Lawyer, and lots and lots of money. There is no possible scenario under which that kind of money would be available to my family, nevermind my mother.
So she has to let it go, at least to that extent, but she can't let it go. And I will just say, that knowing the past, and the present, no matter how much money there was, it would be a horrible, horrible, horrible idea for her to become responsible for and bring my uncle here. It would damage her relationships with her children, it would very likely result in the termination of a 49 year marriage, and it would destroy her. Her principles are admirable, even desirable, but that seems a disproportionately high price for principles.
I'm pretty sure she knows all of this, and it it deeply distressing to her. Thus, the added horrible and outbursts.
But she doesn't need counseling, and it doesn't change anything. Well, maybe not for her, but some of us would appreciate a few less irrational outbursts. Even if we understand her considerable and legitimate stress. Verbally abusing us will not help, and we are not benefiting from it, nor is it improving those things which might alleviate her stress, somewhat.
Adding to the fun, this ends up eating huge amounts of time. Half an hour here, an hour there; it ads up. Not really helpful if people are trying to move along and do things that might improve any of our situations.
It's also kind of eroding our respect for her. Slowly, in little ways, we are starting not to like her. No matter how much sympathy or empathy you have for someone, no matter how much you owe them, or love them, need them, or care about them. There is a point at which they are destroying you, and you have to decide whether or not they are worth your damage. And I NEVER thought I would think any such thing about anyone, especially my mother.
Sadly, that was brief.
What a horrible addition to an already stressful situation. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI feel unbelievably badly for her, but she is becoming extremely difficult to deal with.
ReplyDeleteI would certainly imagine so - on both counts. How awful.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine how difficult all of that must be for everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteUpdate: my mom spent the latter part of the late evening/early night apologizing and hugging people. She seems to know that isn't going to make it all better, but we are trying to deal.
ReplyDeletehugs Horrible situation all around. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
ReplyDelete